Keep it right, keep it tight.
We as women feel a lot of pressure to keep our vaginas tight.
It's pretty ridiculous, given all of the other things women feel a pressure to do. You know, like succeed professionally, raise their kids well, stay skinny, stay sexy, stay happy, be crafty, and a whole laundry list of others, including washing the actual laundry.
It's crazy that keeping our vaginas tight is a requirement in the West. A woman with a "loose" vagina is considered a loose woman. That is the figurative definition of ridiculous.
Well, I can't help turn your Pinterest fails into Martha Stewart-like splendor, but if you feel like your vagina isn't as a tight as it once was, I can provide you with some great ways to whip your pelvic floor muscles into shape.
But let's try to keep a sense of humor about our loose vaginas, shall we? Let's be a little bit more kind to each other and to ourselves.
Our vaginas take one heck of a beating, what with the rigors of sex and, you know, popping out of fully formed human beings. Let's be kind to our long-suffering vaginas!
I've come up with several solid ways to tighten your vagina, and then just a couple of not-so-solid ways of doing it, just to keep you smiling and to remind you not to be so hard on yourself.
Also, I hear that laughing tightens your vagina, so there's that, too!
You don't need anything except a vagina to do this exercise to make your vagina tighter.
Flexing and releasing the pelvic floor muscles will strengthen your vaginal walls, keeping them tight and right just like a few visits to the gym a week keep dat ass looking fly.
These also help you not pee when you sneeze. So that's a bonus.
2. Vaginal rejuvenation
In vaginal rejuvenation (or vaginal plastic surgery), you are put under general anesthesia while a doctor reshapes your vulva and your labia.
Ideally, it will give you the refreshed, tightened look and feel you crave.
But make sure your doctor is a pro. You don't want to wake up and look down to find your clitoris in the shape of Grumpy Cat or something. Or maybe you do. I don't know your life.
3. Weight training
If you can't keep track of your kegels, vaginal weight lifting might be for you.
I feel like it's only a matter of time until there's a cross-fit just for ladies that is all about flipping truck tires with your inner labia.
4. Change your diet
Eating foods rich in phytoestrogens (like all things soy, fenugreek, yams, and pomegranates) can help feed the vaginal flora that helps keep your vagina and pelvic floor tight.
That said, phytoestrogens are endocrine disrupters, so if you've had breast cancer best to give them a miss.
5. Try squats
If there is anything loose below your waist doing squats will make that thing tighter, unless, you know, it is a child clinging to you. In which case, make that child do squats next to you while you work out your vagina.
Squats are also a great way to develop a butt that is so powerful the world will bow before it.
6. Yell at it
If you want your vagina to be tighter, try hurling obscenities at it. Try things like "you slack, bitch!" or "WHORE" or "what have you even done for me lately?!"
That last one works best if you have not had children through vaginal delivery.
When the moon is next full, under cover of midnight, go the forest and spin around three times. This will summon a sorcerer named Mabrook who, in exchange for a favor to be given at a later date, will tighten your vagina with a spell he has written just for this purpose.
Book a trip to the middle east. Hire a guide to take you to an abandoned temple of the ancients. Inside, sacrifice your guide in order to reveal the magical brass lamp containing a genie whose sole purpose in this life is to tighten vaginas.
Flee (with your newly tightened vagina) before you can be arrested for murder. Do NOT wish for more wishes.