It could save your marriage.
In my practice and workshops, I’m struck by how many sensitive people come to me wanting a long-term soulmate. Personally, I can relate to this. Yet despite online dating services, expensive match-makers, friend fix-ups and blind dates, they still remain single.
Or else they’re in relationships but feel constantly fatigued and overwhelmed. The reason isn’t simply that “there aren’t enough available people ‘out there’” or that they’re neurotic. I’ve discovered something more is going on.
A vital missing piece to this puzzle has been discovering that I am a relationship empath. Empaths are highly sensitive, intuitive, and caring, but they are also shock absorbers with an extremely permeable nervous system and hyperactive reflexes. They experience everything — pleasure and pain — sometimes to an extreme.
The amazing part of being so sensitive is that empaths are attuned to people (at times even telepathically), to nature, and can be exquisitely sensual, responsive lovers. The downside is that empaths are sponges for the world’s angst.
Without a membrane between themselves and the world, they unknowingly absorb other people’s stress into their own bodies. Then they become overloaded, anxious or exhausted. This differs from ordinary empathy, say when you sympathize with your partner’s harrowing day at work.
Relationship empathy goes much further. You merge with your partner and actually feel his or her joys and fears as if they were your own. Thus, romantic relationships, particularly live-in ones, can be challenging.
If you’re highly sensitive and haven’t identified this dynamic, you may unknowingly avoid romantic partnerships because deep down you’re afraid of getting engulfed. A part of you wants a soulmate; another part is frightened.
This inner push-pull stops you from surrendering to a partner. The closer you are to someone, the more intense empathy gets. To feel safe enough to let go in a relationship, it’s crucial for empaths to learn how to set healthy boundaries and assert their needs. Then intimacy becomes possible.
To surrender to a soulmate, it’s important to discuss your fears of letting go with each other. However, if you’re an empath, you may not know what these are or that you’re even resisting intimacy. Thus, you can’t convey your needs or set healthy boundaries.
To determine whether you’re a relationship empath take the following empath test from my book.
Quiz: Am I a relationship empath?
- Have I been labeled as overly sensitive?
- Am I afraid of getting engulfed or losing my identity in intimate relationships?
- Do I prefer taking my own car places so I can leave when I please?
- Do I get drained by too much togetherness and require time alone to refuel?
- Do I sometimes prefer sleeping alone?
- When my partner and I travel do I prefer adjoining rooms?
- Do I tend to take on my partner’s stress or physical symptoms?
- Do I feel overwhelmed by noise, smells, crowds, or excessive talking?
If you answer yes to one to three of these questions you’re at least part relationship empath. Responding yes to four to six questions indicates strong empathic tendencies with partners. If you answer yes to seven or more questions you are a certified relationship empath.
Recognizing that you’re a relationship empath is the first step to removing this obstacle to finding a soulmate. Next, you must redefine the traditional paradigm for coupling so you can find a comfortable way of being together. This means letting go of society’s stereotypes about marriage or relationships, forging a new path for yourself.
If you’re an empath or if the ordinary expectations of coupledom don’t work for you, practice the following tips. Surrender old relationship rules and create new ones.
1. Evaluate a potential mate’s compatibility.
As you’re getting to know someone, share that you’re sensitive, that you value having alone time. The right person will understand; the wrong person will put you down for being “overly sensitive.”
2. Remember that vibrations speak louder than words.
Notice how you relate to a potential mate’s energy. Ask yourself: Does the person’s words match their energy? Or is something off? If you have any doubts about his or her authenticity, go slow. To avoid getting involved with someone who won’t be good for you, keep tracking the person’s energy with your empathic abilities to find out who they really are.
3. Allow quiet time at home to decompress.
Get in the habit of taking mini-breaks throughout the day. Tell your partner how important this is to you. Stretch. Breathe. Walk. Meditate. Listen to music. This time alone will replenish you.
4. Limit your time socializing with others.
Tell your partner what your ideal time limit is to stay at parties or other social occasions before you burn out. If your comfort level is three hours max — even if you adore the people — make an agreement with your partner to take your own car if he or she prefers to stay longer.
5. Negotiate your square footage needs.
Breathing room is a must. Experiment with creative living conditions. Ask yourself, “What space arrangement is optimal?” Having a private area to retreat to? Separate bathrooms? Separate houses? Agree not to crowd each other. When traveling together, you may prefer getting adjoining rooms with your own bathroom. If sharing a room is the only option, hanging a sheet as a room divider will help.
6. Get a "sleep divorce."
Traditionally, partners sleep in the same bed. However, some empaths never get used to this, no matter how caring a mate. Nothing personal: They just like sleeping in their own space. Discuss options with your mate. Give yourself permission to sleep separately, separate beds, separate rooms, sleeping together a few nights a week. Because non-empaths can feel lonely sleeping alone, make compromises when possible.
I’ve seen this creative approach to relationships save marriages and make ongoing intimacies safe for emotional empaths of all ages — even if they haven’t had a long-term partner before.
Judith Orloff, MD is the author of The Empath's Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People, upon which her articles are based. Her work has been featured on The Today Show, CNN, the Oprah Magazine and USA Today. She is a New York Times best-selling author of Emotional Freedom, The Power of Surrender, Second Sight, Positive Energy, and Guide to Intuitive Healing. Connect with Judith on Facebook and Twitter.
This article was originally published at Huffington Post. Reprinted with permission from the author.