Am I just being selfish? Maybe, but I don't think so.
I’m selfish. No, really, I am. But I use that to my advantage.
It’s better now that I can admit it and I can tell people about it and I know what to ask and when it’s too much. I know it’s different and weird and too much to ask that someone who’s monogamous to accept and love me even though I’m not monogamous — and I know I could never (happily) be monogamous.
So, I don’t tell her to stay with me. She doesn’t have to put up with me. I mean, she didn’t have to agree to go out with me or be my girlfriend or move in with me either, but she did. I guess that’s awfully nice and trusting of her.
Loving someone is awfully trusting of anybody.
You give them this bitty little fragile breakable piece of your soul and expect them to be gentle with it, to take care of it and protect it, but how often does that really happen? I mean really?
People go off looking for other people to complete them, to be that one person who they’ll grow old with, to be the be all and end all of their life. Their true love. They look into one another’s eyes and say, "I’m gonna love you and hold you forever."
Cause that’s an easy thing to say — “forever” — isn’t it?
It’s all so terribly boring to me.
I mean, sure, I think it’s romantic and cute when people fall in love, sure. But forever is such a long time. I have no urge to promise someone that I will be with them forever. Chances are they will get fed up with my shit and leave me. Or I will get bored and leave them. We’ll still be friends (I’m that kinda cat) but I just … I can’t.
I fall in love. I get obsessed. I get comfortable. And then, I get distracted.
The same thing over and over every day is the same thing over and over every day and it’s f*cking boring.
Is that so terrible? So wrong?
I stay in love. I still love everyone that I’ve ever loved. But I need to be allowed to explore and wander. I’ll come home to the comfortable thing. No, really. I will.
The comfortable things are Home.
Instead of forever, I prefer “as long as possible.”
It’s a much more realistic time period. I don’t wanna be anyone’s one and only. I just wanna be someone important. That’s okay, right? I don’t mind if I only see you once a week or once a month. I don’t even mind if I don’t see you for several months as long as we have some sort of communication going on.
So, why did I ask a monogamous girl out anyway? I was determined not to date anyone monogamous at the time, already feeling trapped and pinned down by someone else I was seeing at the time. Well, I figured she would probably say no, and she was a friend, and I genuinely liked her … and then it worked out way better than I thought it would … and now we’re living together.
I've recently been getting back “into the scene” and her monogamous element might cause some problems in the future.
Particularly because she is vanilla and I am not. Granted, kink is not a sexual thing for me — I just really, really enjoy it. Or watching it and learning about it. Or being around it. And I like girls. Sometimes I really want to play with other girls, but I haven’t because I don’t know how she would feel about it.
So we had a talk about it and she seemed mostly okay or unsure about a lot of the things I brought up. I guess for now we’ve decided to take each situation as it arises. There isn’t a real way to resolve this because mostly the situation isn’t even a situation yet. I just know myself—I know I’ve tried monogamy before and it didn’t work. I’m not going to lie and say I’m monogamous now. I know I’m not.
Choosing polyamory means you have to be willing to risk your monogamous relationship if you're in one.
For me being polyamorous isn’t really a choice. I wasn’t wired for monogamy. I don’t want to settle down and have someone’s kids and spend the rest of my life having the same sex with the same person forever and ever.
Isn’t that terrifying?! Is it just me?!.
I’ll whither away and die. No, really. I will.
This article was originally published at Life on the Swingset. Reprinted with permission from the author.