You're gonna relate.
I'm a person with an anxiety disorder.
This means I go through life differently than other people because of a chemical bubble in my brain that changes the way I think, act, and relate to people.
If a grocery store clerk doesn't smile back and me when I smile at her, it won't ruin my day, but I'll definitely think about it the whole walk home and make a mental note to be even nicer (or to avoid her altogether) the next time I'm there.
When I'm in a relationship, especially during the early days, my anxiety can go through the roof. I get so paralyzed at the thought of letting someone down that I retreat into my own thoughts.
Here are 24 of the most anxious thoughts I've had while having sex. If you have anxiety, or are just your average everyday woman, I guarantee that at least one of these will look familiar.
1. "God I hope he doesn't think I'm a slut."
2. "When was the last time I had an STD test?"
3. "I really have to poop, oh god I'm going to poop, for the love of god woman DO NOT POOP."
4. "How much sex is too much sex?"
5. "Is my bank account going to overdraw tomorrow?"
6. "Does this dude look like the type who'll ghost me?"
7. "My knees do not go that way, but I don't want to be rude so I won't say anythingggggaaaaaahdhdhfhfhfhfhf"
8. "Man I hope I don't die right now, he'd never get over it. I'd feel so guilty. And dead."
9. "I wonder if he thinks of Chunk doing the Truffle Shuffle when I'm on top, because I do."
10. "Am I making enough noise? Am I making too much noise?"
11. "Note to self: Google 'can penis pop hole in stomach' later."
12. "Oh god what if I have an old tampon stuck up there and comes out?!"
13. "I'm not going to finish, I'm not going to finish, do I fake it? I don't think I even know how! Time to channel every porno I've ever seen."
14. "If we don't get out of missionary soon I'm going to have an asthma attack and die."
15. "I know he wants to try anal but if I see my poop on his penis I will melt into a pool of shame."
16. "Did I leave my TV on?"
17. "His cat won't stop watching us. So this is what it feels like to traumatize an animal."
18. "He keeps asking me if I like that, I mean, I do, but like, saying yes seems so perfunctory and weird. Smile and nod? Smile and nod."
19. "Can a person choke on their own boobs?"
20. "The condom broke. I'm pregnant. It's triplets. I lose the ability to walk. HOW WILL I CARE FOR THESE THREE BABIES ALONE?"
21. "Oh my god did I just pee?!"
22. "If he laughs when I queef I'm dying alone."
23. "I wonder how many chins I have at this angle. My money's on nine."
24. "Remember 'my bones feel like jelly' is NOT good dirty talk. Learn from your mistakes."