Photo: weheartit
As told by a woman who knows what she's talking about ...
By Miko Technogeisha — Written on Oct 28, 2016
I happen to be someone who enjoys a type of kink known as erotic humiliation.
Even in the realm of BDSM, sexual humiliation can still be an uncomfortable topic.
Everyone is used to spanking, flogging, and bondage by now. These subjects can sometimes seem — dare I say — pedestrian.
Unfortunately, I don’t particularly enjoy pain play. Not on its own anyway. Even with an experienced Dom I only come close to the edge but not over it.
What takes me to that place involves hands intertwined in my hair, my head pulled back, being forced to my knees, being told what I can and cannot do, and having to ask or even beg for release ...
And it all starts with the words, “Are you my dirty whore?”
It’s not just pain or forceful physical dominance that get me going. The power is also in the words — in the triggers.
In the real world I don’t approve of the words “whore” or “slut” being used to shame someone. I also don’t like being told what to do. Tell me not to do something, say something, or wear something and I’ll immediately want to do it.
In the realm of play, though, the things I can’t abide in real life become eroticized. Strongly delivered, these words are a major turn on.
I long to be told what to do. I want to give my Sir complete control of me. I enjoy every “Please, Sir” and “Thank you, Sir” I utter.
I’m aroused by the fear of being punished for not completing a task or forgetting to ask permission. These triggers are strong and can even work when written. I’ve been reduced to a wet mess with just a text.
It’s not about the smack on the ass or a cane across the thighs. It’s about the power exchange. It’s the ultimate mind f*ck.
At its core, erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. These aspects can run the spectrum from verbal to physical.
It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing. Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle, not to dominate. The Domme, in the absence of dominance, is sometimes called a Humiliatrix.
Personally, I like humiliation along with dominance and good dose of bondage thrown in. It’s less about embarrassment for me than it is about giving up control.
Erotic humiliation itself can be broken down into two varieties: verbal and physical.
1. Verbal humiliation.
This can mean any of the following:
- Use of words like slut or whore.
- Being mocked, ridiculed or having your appearance belittled.
- Use of racial or ethnic slurs.
- Having to ask permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm.
- Being confined to the dungeon or house.
- Being treated like a pet or an object.
- Being treated or scolded like a child.
- Made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy.
Examples may include using demeaning language with the sub within forced feminization, pet play or slave scenes.
2. Physical humiliation.
This can mean any of the following:
- Being slapped or spanked.
- Having your movement restricted.
- Participating in orgasm denial or being made to orgasm on demand.
- Sexual denial by command or use of chastity device.
- Having an enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross dressing) or being required to wear nothing.
- Deprival of privacy, such as being watched using the toilet.
- Being required to wear a collar.
- Performing acts of body worship.
- Performing tasks or acts of service.
- Being used as furniture.
- Being ejaculated on or spit on.
- Being used as a human toilet.
- Cuckolding.
- Performing sexual acts without reciprocation.
Examples may include be the use of spanking to humiliate a sub as though he or she is a child, using someone as a chair or footrest, or asking the sub to do something embarrassing in public.
Erotic humiliation, just like pain play, requires discussion and negotiation beforehand to state desired play, set limits and agreement on safe words.
It's important to establish a clear safe word in play, as words like “No," “Stop," “Ouch,” or “Help” may actually be part of the scenario.
You also need to decide whether these experiences take place only as scenes, or whether they will be a part of your everyday life.
Communication is especially important when multiple partners are involved, as in open relationships. Different partners may have different rules and boundaries.
It is vital to have a Top you trust and feel comfortable with. Erotic humiliation is about discovering erotic triggers. Constant communication on both sides of the D/s relationship helps to know not only what works, but also what doesn’t.
It can be difficult to understand from the outside why someone would find the eroticization of humiliation such a turn on.
It can look frighteningly like abuse to someone else. It’s important to know that both the Dom/Top and the sub/bottom are engaging in play that arouses the other. Humiliation is not just about pleasuring yourself, but pleasuring your play partner as well.
The sub tells the Dom what they would and would not like to do, and vice versa, so it is always consensual. Even rape play that looks non-consensual is negotiated ahead of time, with safe words and limits.
Aftercare is just as important here as it is with pain play. Erotic humiliation is a mind game, so there should be comforting and reassurances given afterward.
There can also be tremendous temptation by others to psychoanalyze the origin of these desires.
I recently read an article from ABC News where psychologists tried to determine the origins of fetishes. They were convinced that certain events in childhood must kick off the fetish. Humiliation is sometimes described as a kink and sometimes fetish. This may be because paraphilias can be incorporated into play.
It’s a slippery slope trying to figure out how a kink or a fetish manifests itself. I’m not a big fan of this kind of analysis. I believe the reasons for what turns you on depends on many different personal factors.
Not every foray into kink or fetish has to do with childhood trauma. It may just feel good and work for you or your partner.
I feel like this was only the tip of the iceberg on this topic, so I can only hope it opens a small window into a kind of kink that has a tendency to live in the shadow of it’s pain play cousin.
If you’d like to include some of this into your play, the best way to start is talking to your partner.
Do a little researching, a little soul-searching, and start slowly if need be. There are books that cover the subject by authors such as Tristan Taormino and Midori, plus lots of erotica for inspiration. You can even find classes on erotic humiliations at popular adult stores, fetish events and dungeons.
Remember that humiliation means different things to different people.
It may take both conversation and experimentation to find what works for you.
Listen now: Sometimes it feels great to be really and truly degraded. The humiliation expansion pack for BDSM draws curiosity, ire, and extreme excitement from the world. Another stop, on that same train line is cuckolding, an act that many still try to make an insult, but may unambiguously show someone at once totally comfortable with their relationship, or working through past issues. Or, of course, just enjoying the f*ck out of each other, and others. On this episode of Life On The Swingset: The Podcast, we’re joined by Kali, creator of Kink Academy and Author of ‘Enough To Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation‘ to discuss cuckolding and humiliation play.
YourTango may earn an affiliate commission if you buy something through links featured in this article.
This article was originally published at Life on the Swingset. Reprinted with permission from the author.