Definitely wet, but not that wild.
That's right, you heard me correctly.
The same little bottle you keep in your bedside table to make your hot sex life even hotter apparently has an awesome secret identity as the moisturizer of the century.
You heard it here first, folks.
It might make you cringe, but to me it made sense. Admittedly, I also recent tried a urine facial, so maybe I'm not the most reliable source when it comes to just how gross something is.
So I tried it.
For this experiment, I opted for a silicone-based lube.
But for this experiment, I WANTED a silicone-based lube.
Why? Because think about it, silicone is a major ingredient in many hair taming products and not to mention in makeup primers as well.
I dug up the one bottle of silicone based lube and tried hard not to think about the silicone seeping into my pores, eventually leading to my demise.
Instead I thought about how cool it would be to look and feel moisturized and poreless while wearing a full face of makeup that refused to budge. Because that's the purpose of a great primer, right?
When you put lube on your vagina before or during sex, the idea is that it protects your skin against friction by locking in moisturizer. Once I put the lube on my face I realized that since nothing would be rubbing vigorously against my face that it WOULD create a nice moisturizing surface.
I kind of treated it like a part facial, part primer. I let it sit for about ten minutes and then went ahead and put on my make up.
Here's what I look like makeup free — YOU ARE WELCOME, AMERICA
I put on the lube next and was surprised how quickly my skin sucked it up.
Or so I thought.
I had planned on letting it sit on the surface of my skin for a while, but that seemed to be pointless now so I went ahead and started applying my foundation.
It didn't work?
Something about the lube foundation combo made my skin and makeup form nasty little beige flakes on my skin. I thought applying more foundation would help (because that's how I roll) and this only made things worse. I got red in places, and some veins by my nose became much more visible. Also, inexplicably, a dark brown patch developed by my eye. It was a good time.
To top that off, the apples of my cheeks were starting to feel like they were being pricked with pins.
I checked the date on this rarely used lube and saw that I should have discarded it in 2014.
By the time I had scrubbed my face clean it was like I'd undergone dermabrasion at the hands of insane and possibly drunken toddler.
The expired lube might not have worked the way it was intended to work, but the end results did leave my skin bright and scrubbed, albeit it out of my own sheer terror.
It's cool to know that lube has this unique alternate use, I guess? That said, I think as a rule maybe just use lube for sex.
Maybe someday I will try this again. But since I'm still suffering traumatic flashbacks from my first attempt, I think it's safe to say that it will definitely be a while before I do anymore non-sex lube experiments.