Marry Someone Who Wants You JUST As Much As You Want Him

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Marry Someone Who Wants You As Much As You Want Him
Love, Sex

He needs to want you in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer.

The big day's a flurry of flowers and white tulle, ministers mouthing words, drunks on the dance floor. You won't remember it. You won't remember who threw up in the bathroom or who gave you the ugliest silver platter known to man.

You won't remember anything except the person you're with. You'll remember what he wore and how he wore it. You'll remember the toast he gave and the way he looked at you. You'll remember your "first dance" with him and the first time someone called you "Mrs.".

But most of all, you'll remember the wedding night. And you'll remember the wedding night in great detail. You'll know where you threw your dress, how you took off the veil and the tiara and the earrings you borrowed from dear Aunt Muriel.

And you'll remember the sex


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Not that it'll be the first, of course. You've probably had plenty of sex with your husband-to-be. But this will be special. This will be the defining sexual moment of your relationship. It needs to be good. It needs to be equal. And you have to make sure you've married someone who wants you as much as you want them.

You need to find him sexy. But he needs to find you sexy, too. You need to want him, to maybe overlook physical flaws in favor of the person. If he's a good guy, he'll do the same. Only a shallow man would say that the woman he loves has a little bit of a fivehead.

But that doesn't matter. He needs to want you in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. 

You want to jump his bones all the time. He needs to want to jump yours.

Nothing's more miserable than a sexually mismatched couple. If he wants it more than you do, you feel harassed. When you give in because rape culture pressures you into that idea of marital debt of you owing your body to someone, you feel resentful. Angry.

You do it anyway and feel somehow violated, even though you agreed to it. It's a terrible way to feel about your spouse. Afterward, you won't want to cuddle. You'll retreat to your side of the bed and wonder what the hell you were thinking. It's not rape. But there's a thread of non-consent running through it nonetheless.


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Then there's the opposite: when you want your husband more than he wants you. If you have a high sex drive, you might want it every day, more than once a day. Your partner might think a few times a week is sufficient.

You're left feeling sexually frustrated. You resort to fantasy and masturbation. You shouldn't need a dildo when you've already got a dick. But if you press your husband, you're the one using the marital debt argument. And worse: men are supposed to have a higher sex drive than women.

He might feel like he's not enough of a man for you, and when he does do it (despite really wanting to just roll over and go to sleep), he may feel as violated as a woman would. Or he might feel as if you just want him to service you.

It's unlikely, in either situation, that you'll get good sex. Just as it's unlikely that you'll get good sex when one spouse is more sexually attracted to their partner than the other. One spouse spends the days fantasizing about their partner; the other's meh on the whole affair. Maybe he still does it because he loves you, but he's not into you. He fantasizes about other women. He probably falls into porn.

Marry a man who wants you as much as you want him. Save yourself the trouble of a sex counselor or a divorce lawyer, and have a much better time in bed  starting with the wedding night.

But make sure it goes beyond the bed. 

Marry a man who wants you around as much as you want him around. Marry a man who doesn't roll over after sex; marry the one who wants to cuddle. Make sure he wants you but can go without you if there's a dry spell. You need more than sex to glue a relationship together and that's the wanting: wanting to love, wanting to take care of each other. Wanting to make each other happy. 

If he just rolls over after sex, goes to sleep, wakes up and goes to work, then sits in front of the TV all night, what kind of marriage is that? He needs to want to be with you more than he wants to be with the TV, more than he wants to be with his buddies, more than he wants to be with his work.

Wanting you means not only wanting to bang you but wanting to talk to you, wanting to hear your thoughts, and loving you no matter what. 

Make sure he wants you as much as you want him. A big part of that is sex. But the fabric of your relationship is an everyday wanting, a regular wanting, a wanting the commute to end at home with you, a wanting the work to finish up so he can see your face, a wanting to go to a terrible concert because it makes you happy.

Marry the one who wants you as much as you want him. But make sure it's all right kinds of wanting, not just the dress on the floor, the veil on the table, and the long slow slide of newlywed sex.   

 

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