These 'Hook Up Horror Stories' Will Make You Literally LOL

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These Horrifyingly Funny Sex Stories Make Us Literally LOL
Sex

We are peeing our pants!

As any "Slutty Girl" knows, when you combine friends and a few drinks, the hook up stories start flowing as freely as the alcohol. 

Recently, I asked some of my own friends to share their most hilarious sexy (and not so sexy) misadventures — and their answers were way too funny not to share.

Who knows, maybe one of these sex stories is even my own! I’ll never tell ...

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“I was hooking up with my first boyfriend in high school and was giving him a blowjob. I guess he got really into it because he thrust into my mouth and I ended up throwing up on his lap … right as his brother walked in.”

“I was hooking up with a random guy I’d met at a party. None of the bedrooms were available, so we decided to go to the laundry room. After we’d done the deed, I couldn’t find my underwear anywhere. I can only assume they were later found amidst the piles of dirty clothes the next time someone did laundry.”

“I ran into an old friend at the bar one night. A few drinks later, and he invited me back to his place to ‘watch a movie.' We get to his place and he puts on The Lion King. Things escalated pretty quickly and he eventually started going down on me. It felt pretty wet down there (more so than usual) and I realized he was crying — my vagina was covered in his tears and snot! I asked if everything was okay and he told me he was just sad because Mufasa was dead.”

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“I once got my nose ring caught in my boyfriend’s pubic hair. I’m still not sure how it happened.”

“Mid make-out session with a guy, I find out that he is ENGAGED! So everything is brought to a halt and we both go to sleep. The next morning after he left, I went to go crash in my bed and found his boxers folded neatly and left on top of my bed. WHAT!?! Who leaves their underwear (especially when we didn’t even do anything)? I was so disgusted I decided to wash my sheets. While taking off the sheets, another pair of boxers falls out of my bed! They must have belonged to a random bar guy I’d hooked up with a couple weeks ago, and I’d been unknowingly sleeping with them ever since!”

“I’d messed around with this guy in high school a few times, but we’d never done anything beyond oral. Fast forward a few years and I finally got the chance to have sex with him. It was a disaster! To begin with, he couldn’t undo my bra and afterwards he accidentally dropped the condom in my furnace vent.”

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“I was straddling my guy’s leg during a make-out session. It got pretty intense and I kind of started to grind on him. He freaked out, told me to stop, and then pulled a steak knife out of his pocket! It turned out he’d stolen it from the restaurant we’d been at for dinner.”

“I was having sex with a guy I’d only recently started seeing. He had the TV on as background noise on a news channel. I was half watching it and my pleasurable ‘Ohhh’ accidentally turned into ‘Obama.' We’re still together but it earned me the nickname ‘Michelle’ among his friends.”

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“My steady hook-up and I decided to introduce some toys to our routine. It was going pretty well until my glass dildo rolled off the bed and shattered. To make matters worse, my hook-up ended up getting a huge shard of it stuck in his foot. Let this be a warning to be careful with your toys!”

“I was fooling around with a guy at the drive-in when he accidentally beeped the horn for what felt like the longest time ever. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the people in the cars on either side of us didn’t turn and glare at me while I had no shirt on. Oops!”

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This article was originally published at SluttyGirlProblems.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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