The phrase "pear-shaped" haunts you.
By Ari Eastman
1. Sizing is impossible.
Ahhh, you know the old saying, “Nothing quite like feeling like an advertisement for Old Navy Kids up top and Bubba SparxxxMs. New Booty on the bottom.” Except no one says that. Because it’s a pain in your (big) ass. You’re always thankful for stretchy material or the ability to mix and match sizes because otherwise, finding anything that properly fits would be a struggle.
Though you appreciate all your bootylicious glory, you have occasionally wished there was some magic way to transfer just a little bit of that goodness to your ladies on top.
3. The phrase pear shaped haunts you.
Listen, we already get it. Our bodies look a little out of proportion. But must we be labeled the most awkward looking of fruits? MUST WE?!
4. The “when he/she finally takes off my bra” worry.
Sometimes, you just want to look even. And that usually means enlisting the help of your pal Victoria’s Secret. But is Victoria’s “Secret” that she has made us anxious for the moment he/she discovers we’re not as voluptuous as we earlier appeared?
5. Working out just means “see ya, gals!”
Squatting can make your butt bigger and more toned, so shouldn’t there be something to increase your chest? Mmmm, not so much. In fact, hit the gym too hard and say goodbye to your boobs altogether.
6. “I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.”
An official PSA to all men who have said this to a woman with a round rear-end: you are not original. We have heard this numerous times. What about watching us walk towards you? Just not as satisfying? *eye roll*
7. Finding the perfect pair of jeans is your life goal.
It feels like searching for nirvana, or some fictitious journey to locate the fountain of youth. Something that doesn’t require any tailoring, it doesn’t gap in the back, fits your curves to perfection. Sigh, maybe one day…
8. Wearing yoga pants is, sometimes, a necessity.
Because you need something that fits and is comfortable. You haven’t found those Holy Grail Jeans yet, and it’s the only thing that’s clean. You’re not doing it for extra attention, and anyone who thinks this is an “asking for it” moment when it comes to cat-calling can kindly choke on their own spit.
9. But if you wear a plunging neckline, nobody notices.
What if this is the time you DO want to be ogled just a teeny bit? “Look! Hey, look! LOOK AT OUR BOOBS, DAMMIT!!!” *crickets chirp* …what boobs?
10. Seeing girls who’ve just entered puberty with the same-sized chest as you.
Ahhh, yes. Remember how good it felt the first time you saw a 13 year old you can share bras with?
11. You’ve got your one go-to dress.
It’s that miracle dress that somehow accents all the right spots and minimizes what needs a little extra help. 90% of pictures you are tagged in are you in that dress because, HELLO, why fight a good thing?
12. People ask if you’d ever consider breast augmentation.
Why do people think this is A) not a rude question and B) any of their concern? Maybe you have, maybe you haven’t. But that is YOUR decision. If you have the audacity to ask someone this question, make sure you are their best friend or you just don’t care about being a total asshole, because otherwise? Just don’t go there.
This article was originally published at Thought Catalog. Reprinted with permission from the author.