I had this fantasy that if I did the breaking up, it wouldn't hurt so much. I was very wrong.
I tried to say everything I could to make the blow less hard.
“We’re just different. It was fun while it lasted. I care about you as a person. I don’t love you romantically, but I really do care about you. I’m sorry. If you ever want to talk about it, we can. I’m always here for you if you need me, really, I mean it, etc. etc.”
But it was clear that I still hurt him. It’s hard not to with things like that.
Thankfully, it was a clean cut and I think as far as break ups go, it was a pretty good one. After a little convincing, he understood why I wanted to end things.
As sugar-coated as it may sound, I really did care about him. Maybe not in a romantic way anymore, but spend enough time with someone that seemed to care about you, and I guess it’s hard not to.
I felt insanely sad and upset with myself.
I was a horrible girlfriend. I should have tried harder. I shouldn’t have done it today. I should have held out a little longer. I tried to make it work and I failed. I’m a failure. I’m a horrible person. Maybe that was my only chance at love, and I screwed it up. I wasn’t a good enough person, I’m such a shitty person.
These were not the thoughts I expected to have. I expected to feel complete freedom and relief! The relief was certainly there, but it disappeared after the first 20 minutes of “freedom.” Then came tears.
A lot of tears.
Simply put, it hurts to hurt someone.
I felt guilty for not making it work. Guilty that I couldn’t make it work. He had said he loved me, and I never said it back. How could I have never said it back? How could I have thrown someone’s love away, if that’s what it really was? What kind of monster does that?
A heartless monster that looks a whole lot like me, that’s what kind.
I want to say it was a solid week of me feeling like a complete piece of shit. Partly because I felt like I was a crappy (now ex) girlfriend.
I didn’t even realize this could be interpreted as a breakup song until I listened to the words again, and found I could relate to them perfectly.
If I should stay
I would only be in your way.
So I’ll go, but I know
I’ll think of you every step of the way.
That is all I’m taking with me
So goodbye, please don’t cry
We both know I’m not what you need
Naturally, I needed time with my best friends and even my mom, just to talk this out. It was my first relationship, and thus, first breakup. They were all a bit perplexed as to why I felt so guilty, and ashamed. I was the one that had ended things, and for good reason! I wasn’t that into him romantically, and we fought more than got along. It was the right and mature thing to do.
But the way I saw it at the time was me being a failure. I had gotten into something I couldn’t commit to, and couldn’t fix. The way I saw it, if I couldn’t even be in a relationship with someone who loved and adored me at the time, how could I ever expect to have a successful relationship? I threw away this one, so wouldn’t there be some sort of love karma or something?
Eventually, though, I accepted that it really truly was for the best, that I had held out as long as I could, done everything I could to make it work, and in the end, we just weren’t right for each other.
I was just the first one to admit it and take action.