All men wanted was some stupid Barbie doll to claim as their own.
I remember back when I used to think you could just be yourself and get someone to have a crush on you. It actually wasn't that long ago. I used to think I could be any weight I wanted to be, walk around without makeup, not talk about my career, and someone would just see my value right off the bat and ask me out.
I mean, it worked that way in rom-coms, so it should work that way in real life, right?
Maybe I read one too many relationship articles or maybe I just had too little of an issue dealing with my body, but I really believed that a person wouldn't have to change to make themselves more attractive to the opposite sex. After all, we're told that the right one will see us in all our unwashed glory and still want us. We are told we shouldn't have to change.
So, I'd talk to guys online and just chill with them. Never in all my life have I felt so much rejection as when I decided to start dating wearing my favorite tatted clothes and no makeup. I wanted them to see me as the me that wakes up, and really thought guys would want to stick around to see me all dolled up in my actual awesomeness.
Well, the results were horrible.
I didn't think it was possible for so many men to bail on dates. For a while, I couldn't get a guy to hang around me for longer than a week. One guy even admitted that he didn't want to be seen with me at a local bar. It f*cking hurt.
My reaction was a total sh*tshow, and to a point, I can't even blame myself. These guys seemed totally fine with my personality, but not my looks. I got bitter. I got angry. I decided to whip out my makeup and cool clothes, just so that they would know what they were missing. I wrote them off as worthless losers, and even cursed some of them out.
And then I got pretty. I had dropped the pounds I gained while I was sick and bedridden. I started wearing makeup on the regular. It didn't take too long for all those losers to come back.
Unfortunately, I was at an impasse here. Now, they wanted me. I didn't want them. Hell, I didn't want any guy, because it looked like all men wanted was some stupid Barbie doll to claim as their own. They didn't give a flying f*ck about my personality or my big heart, so why should I give a sh*t about them?
That rejection hurt, and it hurt all the more when I realized all that they seemed to care about is packaging. I'm more than a package! Why can't they see beyond looks?
Much like I do when I get hurt one too many times by other groups, I got mean. I got icy to the point that I'd sneer at men who tried to talk to me. One bought me a drink; I took it, walked away without another word, and gave him the finger. When one guy catcalled me, my friend had to hold me back from knocking him out.
In short, I had had enough, and men were going to pay for what I felt they did to me.
It all came to a head one day when I was with a guy friend who heard me verbally lash out at a guy who wanted to ask me if I would go on a date after he saw me looking better than when I had offered to go out with him. After saying a few choice words, the guy looked like he'd been kicked in the stomach and walked away. My friend looked at me in horror.
"Dude, why would you say that s*it to him? Do you have any idea how much it hurts men to hear that?" he asked me.
"Yeah. That's why I said it," I said, shrugging.
"Tell me, what's so bad about wanting a girl who looks like she takes care of herself?" he asked.
"He should have wanted me for me," I said. "Not just the packaging."
"Tell me, would you date him if he didn't bathe for a month?" he asked. "Or if he had no employment? Or if he would have expected you to cook, clean, and bring home all the money while he sat on his ass?"
I paused, "Well, maybe...?"
"Cut the bullsh*t, no you wouldn't," he said. "Just like he would need to work to keep your interest, you need to work to show guys that you're a catch. No one just scoops someone up and decides they're going to marry them. And if they did, they're probably not all there."
"But I shouldn't have to change," I argued.
"But he would have to change for you? What if he refused to get a job? Would you date him because he insisted that he wouldn't have to change for the right girl?" he asked.
"Sh*t. You have a point," I said. "I still hate him, though."
In my idiocy, I forgot that an improved version of me is still me. Even so, part of me still is extremely bitter about men being as shallow as they are. However, my friend has a point.
No one will ever like anyone just because. In order to attract people, you have to be attractive — and that takes work no matter who you are.