How To Give A Hot Dog Blow Job On National Hot Dog Day

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hot dog blowjob
Sex

Because what phallic object doesn't enjoy a quality sucking?

It's National Hot Dog Day.

I'm going to celebrate in the fashion to which all phallic objects seem to enjoy the most -- with a blowjob

Giving a blowjob to a living, consenting, sentient human man is relatively easy. 

You remove his pants, embrace your gag reflex, and master the art of suction, pressure, tongue work and strategic humming. 

Then eventually wham bam tastes like spam (I just made myself nauseous) you reveal yourself as one who spits or one who swallows. 

In for a penny, in for a pound, I say. In this instance, both the penny and the pound are sperms. 

Giving a blowjob to a hot dog, however, is a little bit more challenging.

That's because when a hot dog sees an approaching mouth, male or female, they are prepared for just one thing -- to be eaten. 

A hotdog's idea of foreplay is someone gently smearing together the mustard and ketchup all over their body before they get jammed in a face hole. 

If shit gets reaaaallllly racy they might expect a little chili to be poured on top of their charred surface before the feasting commences. 

A hot dog does not come into this world understanding the pleasures of release. All they know is death via your gullet. 

So you've decided to break the chain. That's good. To paraphrase Outkast, hot dogs need love too, no discrimination here, Squirrel. 

You'll  have to take it slow with this hot dog. Maybe take HIM out for dinner, let him see what it's like to be in the chair instead of on the plate. Try and be sensitive though, and maybe eat vegetarian.

Once you've gotten to know each other, you might suggest a couples massage.

Be prepared for some dirty looks once you two arrive. You can prevent this by making sure he keeps his bun on at all times until you two are alone. 

If your hot dog isn't talking much, don't be worried. 

That's just because he is a tube of meat and as such, does not have language. 

When you are finally alone, don't jump right into the action. Start by explaining to him that you are going to try something new.

I say this because if you just start blowing him he might be like "Um, that's not how eating works?" And that would just be weird for everyone and would probably end with you showing him you know how to eat things by sampling various items from your fridge. That will just make you feel full and sleepy and leave the hotdog unenlightened and unblown. 

Use what you prefer as lubrication and/or toppings. Because he's a hot dog and thus has no nose, you don't need to worry about how your breath smells for him. 

Proceed as you would usually, making sure to pinch his buns intermittently. 

Make sure you're vocal about just how much you are enjoying him. He is a delicious, delicious hot dog and expects this. 

Don't let things go too long, because you don't want him to get cold and the heat from your mouth can only do so much.

To cap off this hot dog's epic evening, feel free to consume him post oral sex encounter. He expects it and you will also feel like you are an insect on the Discovery Channel, so cross that one off your bucket list. 

Happy National Hot Dog Day, and blow responsibly. 

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