Ever thought your special hole was the most beautiful out there? THINK AGAIN.
Have you ever quietly considered your vagina in the mirror and been like "damn gurl, they should give prizes for the world's most beautiful vagina because I would hella win"?
That's because, anatomically speaking, your vagina is inside of your body and you aren't looking at it on the regs. If you have thought the above about your woman frills, you have probably been engaging in vainglory about your vulva, you know, the meats you can see when you part the hair and stare into the one eyed monster.
While this might sound like something a kinky serial killer does to his victims at the top of act two of a dark thriller, it's actually just a marketing campaign to sell more of Sloan's brainchild, the Autoblow 2.
When I heard the hunt for the world's most beautiful vagina was called a pageant, my hopes were high.
What would they don for swimwear? How risque was too risque when it came to vaginas and their formal attire. What could possibly unfold during the talent competition was anyone's (deeply perverted) guess.
Sadly, my hopes were dashed, at least when it came to the particulars of the competition. In order to get in the running for world's most beautiful vagina all you have to do is send Brian and his cronies a picture of your very own Georgia O'Keefe IRL and he and his judges would decide (read: wank) whose parts were the most pleasing.
The winner? She gets thousands of dollars and her vagina is molded into a sex toy that can be purchased and fucked by all and sundry. If someone made my vagina into a sex toy I would never stop giving it away as inappropriate gifts.
Look out YourTango holiday gift swap, I'm coming for ya!
Last year the winner was a woman named Nell from the UK. This year's winner is ALSO a UK resident, though any other details about her identity are being held under wraps until the production of her prize-winning vagina mold is ready to hit shelves. I hope her dad doesn't accidentally buy one. That's some Game of Thrones type shit right there.
And here she is... in all her glory!
I don't think there's anything wrong with sending pics of your piping hot chalupa in for praise, especially when you're a confident woman. Feminism is being a woman in the world making choices freely. If a woman chooses to send in a pic to Brian and his silicone loving brethren so be it.
But the whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and I don't mean just the jelly from the faux-gina.