7 Things That RUIN A Threesome Every Damn Time (Spoiler: Butt Stuff)

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7 Things You Shouldn't Try During Your First Threesome
Sex

Yikes.

Everyone should have a threesome. I mean, not babies.

Rephrase: every adult should have a threesome. (I am not a monster.)

The menage a trois is one of the most common items on sexual bucket lists.

For me it was wedged in between having sex in a restaurant bathroom and dressing up like colonial American/redcoat for a little fantasy I call “The British are cumming”.

The key to any good threesome is not thinking too much. That’s a pretty good rule to apply most things that are related to sex. When you start thinking, that’s when you do stuff like attempt strange, risky, and unsatisfying positions, or become very self-conscious about the noise his balls make during the act.

Confidence and abandon are key.

That said, there are some things you just straight up shouldn’t do during a threesome. I’ve begun a list here for your consideration.

This is by no means cumulative, but it will hopefully serve as a helpful guide.  

1. Begin singing.

Actually this could be totally fine, if it was like, sultry and appropriate. But don’t start belting “Afternoon Delight” and then ask that everyone else try harmonizing with you, that’s just way too much pressure.

2. Insist on some light stretching before you dive in.

Stretching after a run, totally acceptable. Stretching before a penis dives into your vagina … slightly overly optimistic about the forthcoming events.

3. Punk your partners with a Twister tarp.

You whip back your bedding dramatically to reveal said tarp and are all “get it? Because we’re going to be entwining our limbs!”

This is just too on the nose.

4. Frantically start jamming your fingers up all of the butts.

How would you like it if someone just started jamming their fingers up YOUR butt all willy nilly?

A little ass play is all well and good but it’s definitely not a great panicking-during-a-threesome default move.

5. Ask to pause while you make yourself a restorative snack.

This goes double if you aren’t going to offer to make everyone else a snack too. Snacks are always acceptable post, but mid, absolutely not.

This goes double if your snack is composed of roughly 50% anything sticky.

6. Start yelling “I’m a pretty, pretty pony”.

Please disregard this item if you are a furry and/or brony having a threesome with two other furries and/or bronies.

Get on with your bad selves. Respect.

7. Lay totally still with all of your clothes on and announce “I think I just came.”

You’re fooling no one. Unless you actually did cum, in which case TEACH ME EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.

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