Breakups are never easy, but that doesn't mean you should put them off.
Oh, breakups. How you suck. But you know what sucks even more than the parting of ways with someone who has spent several cumulative waking hours inside of you? The knowledge that you SHOULD break up with this person and never being sure if it’s time to pull the trigger.
Spoiler alert: If it’s on your mind then it is always time to pull the trigger.
If you’re ever in doubt about whether it’s time to hit up Breakup City, USA there are a few surefire signs to watch for. I’m here to break ‘em down for you so you can get back to the club and the requisite interruption free grinding that goes on there.
1. You View Ordinary Objects As Weapons
That used to just be the novelty TARDIS cookie jar your mom bought you. But now every time he helps himself to tasty treat you wonder just how hard you’d have to hit him with it to do any really damage.
2. You’re Practicing His Eulogy
He refuses to listen to you when you are giving him totally correct directions to the restaurant and you are all “We all knew Steve, but how many of us really KNEW Steve?”
3. You Envy Your Single Friends
And not your happily dating, cool single friends. Your friends who call you at 3am wailing about freezing their eggs and inevitability of death.
4. He’s Cheating On You
Every relationship has its own parameters. If one of yours is, don’t put your penis inside of others and you discover he is, kick that ass to the curb. This might seem like a no brainer but we all know it ain’t always so.
5. He Won’t Introduce You To His Friends
I dated a guy for six months who wouldn’t even introduce me to his roommates. He once also made me sleep on his couch because he “couldn’t sleep with other people in his bed.” YOU DESERVE THE MOON. Well, maybe not the moon, but soooo much more!
6. You’re Lying More
He wants to go the movies and instead of just saying no, suddenly your grandfather is dead. You only have two grandfathers. You need those emergency outs, don’t waste them on this turd.
7. You Can’t Remember The Last Time You Wore Your Hair Down
If he isn’t worth a blowout it’s time to get out.
8. Sex? What Is Sex?
Either he’s not interested or you’re not interested, maybe it’s both. Don’t let sack death linger. Acknowledge it, fix it, or end it.
9. You Pick Fights For No Reason
“YOU CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL WITH THAT SHIT.”
10. You See Him Once A Week
In my last relationship I saw the dude I was dating roughly once a week. I never knew the where and when we’d meet up. I was literally his beck and call girl. That dude may have liked me, but he sure as shit didn’t respect me.
11. He’s Never Said You Look Pretty
90% of the reason I am dating the guy I’m dating now is because he spends a majority of his time telling me how beautiful I am. This is only partially a joke. You should be with someone who sees your beauty inside and out.
12. It’s Been 8 Months And He Can’t Call You Girlfriend
If he can’t call you girlfriend, this one is super easy: you aren’t actually dating. In fact, if you want to be stone cold about it, you don’t need to break up with and/or ever see him again. Boom.