Also, SO many calories.
Boning and booze go hand in hand.
It’s amazing what a Manhattan can do for your nerves when it comes time to do the deed with a partner for the first time. I don’t care if he’s my dream man, if I have to take off my clothes and feign confidence you are absolutely going to find me with a cocktail in hand.
A little bit of alcohol lowers your inhibitions, it relaxes you, and it even makes some people (*points to self*) super horny.
But when it comes to time spent in the sack, alcohol is so not your friend! In fact, hooch is totally trying to ruin your sex life.
It’s common knowledge that if a guy overindulges his usually turgid member transforms into an over boiled cannelloni (great, now I’m craving pasta).
Whiskey dick, y’all. It ain’t no joke.
Dudes aren’t alone when it comes to alcohol fueled coital meltdowns of the most tragic nature. Sure, candy is dandy, and liquor quicker — when it comes to getting panties off.
But you know what doesn’t come quicker? YOU PROBABLY.
1. Alcohol doesn’t want you to cum.
Alcohol is a depressant. It slows shit down. And the more alcohol in your blood, the more difficulty your brain has recognizing sexual pleasure. Like WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF MARGARITAS THEN YOU GUYS? I feel so betrayed.
2. Alcohol doesn’t care how much you spent at Sephora.
You just forked out over thirty bucks for a Dior lipstick. We’ve all been there, you consumerist fool, and good on you finding the matte red of your dreams. You know wasn’t doesn’t compliment it? That sour apple liqueur you’ve been swilling that has dyed your tongue and gums Ghostbusters Ecto-cooler green. Somebody is going home alone with only their lipstick for solace.
3. Alcohol wants all your attention.
Thinking about doing anything other than getting up all the time to pee and keeping your eyes from crossing? Joke’s on you. Alcohol needs you to focus on what it needs, and it does not need to charm the handsome dude you met at the bar.
4. Alcohol wants you to have none of the babies.
Several studies link low fertility in women to drinking in excess. Sure, in the moment you want to have a dark and stormy more than a child, but think about it: What would sober you want? I mean probably still the dark and stormy, but whatever.
5. Alcohol doesn’t discriminate.
Beer goggles are real you guys. It’s fine not to judge someone on their physical appearance in real life, but when it comes to a boozy one night romp, looks are where it’s at. Too much booze means going to bed with Eric Stoltz and then waking up to discover that you went to bed with Eric Stoltz from the 1985 seminal classic Mask, also starring Cher. There isn’t enough Advil in the world.
Does alcohol help or hurt your experiences in the bedroom (kitchen, dinette, restaurant bathroom) -- dish with a girl!