You might wonder what kind of story comes with a title like that, and well, we’re here to tell you.
We all have that one dating horror story — you know, the one we tell our best friends and scold them half-heartedly as they laugh and gasp for air. The ones that make us blush seven years after they happen, when we’re laying in bed recounting every horribly embarrassing thing we’ve ever done since high school while we wait for sleep.
But very few people have a date story so cringe-worthy that it gives them viral Internet fame, like Makela, who goes by the Twitter username @_blotty.
Dating is hard. You’re on your best behavior, dressed to the nines, trying your best to be interesting and delightful while simultaneously not hogging too much time talking about your own interests. When something bad happens on a date, the humiliation factor gets multiplied by the power of 10.
Spinach stuck in your front teeth for God only knows how long, toilet paper stuck to your shoe, snorting while you laugh, a booger that clung to your left nostril and wiggled with every breath, being unable to flush a poo and putting it in your purse — yep, Makela is “the poop girl” who had to drop the kids off at the pool and then pick them right back up to bring them home again.
But even though we’ve all laughed, cringed, and died a little at reading her dating horror story, Makela has literally gone full Rumplestiltskin and turned her poo epic into gold.
Here are five things you need to know about Makela, aka “the Poop Girl”:
1. Makela has recently been named the IT’SUGAR Shop’s “poo ambassador.”
The new Poo Collection from IT’SUGAR features mugs, food, plush poos, and even games to play while you’re otherwise occupied. Now, Makela will be the official face of their Poop Shop!
2. She bravely tweeted her entire sordid movement.
She used the tweets as a platform to share the message of, “Don’t drink coffee before a date; it’s better to be sleepy than to have to hide poop in [your] purse.”
This is rather selfless and we should all appreciate her sacrifice on our behalves. Coffee is, in fact, a diuretic, which means that it will help speed up whatever process your body is attempting to accomplish in the lower departments, be it number 1 or 2. We don’t have to experience this ourselves to know the dangers. Don’t trust caffeine on the dating scene.
3. She made it through an entire makeout session with her unexpected tagalong.
Where does a woman hide anything? Her purse, that’s where. So when her wrapped-in-TP mummy poo couldn’t go in the trash and refused to go down the bowl, she carried the poo with her in her purse and only got rid of it once her date had fixed the toilet and she was confident enough to take it out to give the #2 a second try.
4. She texted her sister during the debacle and they plotted ways to get rid of it.
Her sister was understandably freaked out about the whole thing, but surprisingly gave some really helpful advice, including pretending to smoke so she could go outside and discreetly deposit her, uh... deposit, or finding a window in the washroom to lose the evidence.
5. Her date eventually found the whole story on Twitter.
But he was surprisingly calm about learning that she hid a turd in her purse on his couch. Probably more understanding than a lot of people would be, in all honestly. Trust me, we’re all wondering if they’re still dating after that happened.