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You have to feel everything in order to move on.
By Nancy Nichols — Last updated on Dec 01, 2023
You miss him so much you feel like you could die.
You can’t believe your relationship is over. You’re angry, fearful, and heartbroken, and your abandonment issues resurface. You’re afraid you’ll never find a man who will truly love you and take care of you. You mourn what you thought was your forever relationship.
Losing a partner (for whatever reason) is a debilitating event. When getting over a breakup, you’re flooded with a roller coaster of painful emotions.
One minute you want to beat your boyfriend or husband in the head with your high heel for his lack of emotions, neglect, or betrayal. The next minute you’re paralyzed with grief over the loss of your relationship.
You mope around in a state of apathy and hopelessness and you experience tidal waves of guilt, disbelief, regret, rage, sorrow, and despair.
If your boyfriend or husband was abusive, you may struggle to accept the reality of your toxic relationship. You hate him. You love him. You miss him. And again, you hate him because he was a deceitful, immoral monster.
You’re afraid to stop grieving or hating him because if you continue to mourn for him or hate him, you can mentally hold on to him. You can’t seem to accept the excruciating reality that you are utterly, painfully, and fearfully without him — forever.
The five emotions you must go through before you can truly get over him:
1. Denial: “This can’t be happening.”
You keep hoping that he’ll call or text you. You’re in shock at what has happened to you. Your heart rejects the truth. You feel devastated, dazed, frightened, and numb. “This can’t be real,” you cry. You're unable to accept your loss. You cling to the hope that you will eventually reconcile with your partner — that your boyfriend or husband will show up on your doorstep full of remorse and want you back.
Giving up the final hope of ever being with him is the most difficult of all. Denying the finality of your relationship delays the inevitable. Meanwhile, you're stuck in a state of denial and unhappiness.
2. Anger: “Why is this happening? I don’t deserve this.”
The numbing effects of denial begin to thaw, and your pain emerges. But you're not ready to accept the reality of the loss of your partner. You’re intensely angry at your husband or boyfriend for his lack of emotions, betrayal, or abuse. You try to repress your anger but you need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you, and so you project your displaced aggression onto anyone who crosses your path.
Anger is a sign of suppressed emotional issues. You must feel your pain to diffuse your pent-up and misdirected anger.
3. Bargaining: “Please stop the pain. I’m sorry. I promise to do better.”
You plead with God, you bargain with yourself, and you beg your ex to take you back to avoid the painful reality of your loss. You may irrationally blame yourself; you think, “If only I had said or done something differently.”
You offer up prayers to your Higher Power, hoping that He will somehow intercede your circumstances. You fantasize that things will go back to the way they were.
You hope to run into your ex at the store, gym, coffee shop, or a party. You invent an emergency to get his attention, or you find an excuse to go to his home, hoping that when he sees you his passion for you will rekindle.
If you're dealing with an abusive or emotionally unresponsive partner, you may lower your standards, convince yourself to accept less in the relationship, be less demanding, and even turn a blind eye to his hurtful behavior — if only he would come back to you. But your partner continues to lie, rebuke, and reject you, your attempts to change things are futile, and you sink deeper into depression.
When you choose to be in a relationship with a man who lies, cheats, or abuses you, you also choose the emotional pain and suffering of that relationship.
4. Depression: “I’ve lost interest in everything. All I want to do is sleep.”
Extreme sadness, guilt, fear, and regret are part of the grieving process. You have feelings of despair, emptiness, yearning, and intense loneliness. You cry a lot and uncontrollably. You may have weight loss, weight gain, panic or anxiety attacks, insomnia, or acute fatigue.
You may drink in excess. Your mind is foggy and your body feels sluggish causing you to crave sleep and isolation. You are unable to function at work, home, or school, or perform normal daily activities. You shut out your friends and family.
You feel guilty about your failed relationship, thinking you could have done something to prevent it. You worry about your future without your boyfriend or husband. You feel worthless, helpless, and hopeless.
Don’t try to white-knuckle your recovery. Seek professional help and consider temporary medication that can help you cope with your grief.
5. Acceptance: “It still hurts, but I know I’ll be okay.”
You come to terms with the loss of your relationship: the loss of his love, security, and companionship and your future together. You finally realize you're blessed to be free of your lying, abusive boyfriend.
You accept the fact that your good-for-nothing husband ran off with a 29-year-old waitress. You may still have feelings of regret, guilt, and anger, but you accept the reality of your situation.You acknowledge that your relationship is over, your partner is no longer a part of your life, and you begin living life as an independent individual.
Even with acceptance, you may regress to bouts of anger, denial, bargaining, and depression. Permit yourself to have a bad day, to momentarily withdraw from the world to cry and feel your anger.
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Nancy Nichols is a best-selling self-help, dating, and relationship author, empowerment speaker, notorious blogger, and TV and radio talk show personality. She's a woman's advocate who uses her self-help books to impart self-esteem building, the power of positive thought, relationship understanding, and personal healing.