10 Ways To Reignite The Sex Spark When You're Just. Not. Feeling. It

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Re-Ignite Your “Pillow Talk” and Connection
Love, Sex

Stop with the excuses and figure it out.

Do you remember when you first met your significant other? The butterflies, the multiple text messages and the "No, you hang up first, No you!"  moments. You were inseparable, passionate, intimate and interested in getting to know one another. Everything was roses and happiness was spread all around.

Now, fast forward a year, five years, 10 years or longer. How does your relationship match up from before? If it's still wonderful, congratulations! I admire your dedication and understanding of one another. If you're like the majority of us, things may have dwindled down a little bit from before, or maybe a lot.

Fact: About 17 percent of divorces are caused by infidelity. That's an amazing number, considering there are so many other reasons for divorce. About 70 percent of married men admitted to cheating on their wives. One study found that two-thirds of women aren't aware of their husband's affair.

You may use excuses like, "Well, we have kids now," "I'm so busy with work," "I'm so tired," and "We can't find the time to spend together." But if your relationship and connection is important to you and your spouse, you will make time; there will never be a good time.

As we know from reading magazines and articles, men and women are wired differently. Put very simply: some men (more than a few) are drawn to the physical aspects of a relationship. Straight up, "pillow talk." Now ladies, I get the fact that we've had kids, have careers, and are busy, but if we aren't fulfilling our partner's needs then we're on our way to becoming the next statistic listed above.

Men: women are wired through emotion. If you aren't emotionally connecting with your partner and they feel that, do you really think they're going to want to get down and dirty? I wouldn't. Not only emotionally, but if you aren't helping your spouse, communicating or making her feel special, that's an automatic tap-out in the ring of romance.

I often hear, "Why do I have to do this? Why do *I* have to do EVERYTHING?" Here's the deal: unless one aspect of behavior changes, nothing will change. If you want things to change then we have to change our behavior. It shouldn't be tit-for-tat; it should be "I love this person and I want to make things better."

Below is a list of 10 simple things you can do to increase your intimacy and connection with your partner. If you can only do three, then do three; anything is better than nothing and you automatically get an A+ for effort.

Remember: this is a fun way to re-ignite your connection. True connection takes time and dedication. The more you do this stuff, the stronger your connection will be.

1. Get more sleep.

What the heck is regulation? It's a psychological term that we use in the clinic I work at. Regulation depends on things that our bodies need to function mentally and physically. So for instance, sleep and food. When we aren't regulated  — not taking care of our basic needs  we don't have the ability to be compassionate, kind and loving.

For example, if I'm tired all the time because I'm not sleeping well, how pleasant and fun am I going to be to be around? You need to be regulated first before you can look to connect with someone else. The bottom line? Take care of yourself. Remember, you always put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you put it on anyone else.

2. Make time for your partner with​ no distractions.

This is where you allocate five to ten minutes of time within the day to be completely present with your partner  no distractions, no kids, no TV and no harsh topics that may cause a fight. This is an opportunity where both partner can feel heard and regain that connection.

Can't find the time or don't know how to do this? Try setting a timer on your phone or stove. Start with five minutes and continue to work your way up. Ladies, you will feel heard and your emotional cup will start to feel a bit fuller. Guys, if you take the time to fill your girl's emotional cup, she will more receptive to getting more physically closer.

3. Split up the chores.

Your home may be divided into assigned tasks for people, but if so it's time to shift the balance. If you see your spouse doing the dishes, instead of sitting and watching TV, help her. Ladies, if your guy is doing the garbage and that's "his job," then help him anyway. 

When I say "help" I don't mean complain about doing it or present as being unhappy  I mean finding fun in the mundane. Maybe talk about how you first met or a really enjoyable time you've had together. When we find connection in the mundane things we have to do, it not only fills our emotional cup but makes the activity fun and less of a chore. Most importantly, it helps us to feel appreciated.

4. Be physically close to one another.

If you know your lover is a touchy person, make the time to find appropriate opportunities to hold a hand, touch the shoulder or back, or put a hand on the leg. You know what your partner likes. If physical touch hasn't been in the ring for a while, this may feel unnatural or "fake."

We need to be able to step out of our comfort zones in order to replace unhealthy patterns. The more you do it, the more genuine it will feel. If you're with someone who doesn't like touch, offer other ways to connect. One simple question: How can I help? That's like word porn to most women.

Other ways to implement physical closeness: massage, cuddles, hugs. Many people can feel physically disconnected. Before we jump into full on "pillow talk," we need to be reminded of how good physical touch can feel and how much they really missed it.

5. Get each other something nice.

Gifts don't have to be material things; a gift can be something as simple as saying, "Hey hun, I'll watch the kids so you can have a shower without someone bugging you."  Or it can be a love note, chocolates, a case of beer. You get my drift.

It doesn't have to be something huge, and gifts don't only have to come on birthdays and special holidays. In the end, you'll feel appreciated and loved.

6. Do something that interests both of you.

My husband loves motorcycles. I can't say that I'm a super-fan, but whenever there's a motorcycle trade show or place he wants to go, I always jump on board without complaint. Why? Because I'm showing him that I care about what his interests are. What does this translate to? It really means, "I care about you and your interests."

7. Improve your confidence.

I lost my game after I had my daughter. I didn't feel good about how I looked and I always felt exhausted. I stopped taking care of myself. This became an area of contention in my relationship. Life happens, we go through things, but that doesn't mean that we just stop and settle.

Boost your confidence. Wear that lipstick you used to love, get your hair done, groom yourself. Not only will you feel better about yourself, but your partner will notice that you're putting more effort into yourself and really loving yourself. How sexy is that?

8. Set the mood with romance.

Now that you've tried the above ideas, things are starting to look a little brighter in your relationship. Before you rush into "getting it done," set the mood. It doesn't have to be flowers, candles and chocolates; it can be a really awesome day of connection with the family, doing an activity together that you've enjoyed whatever you believe would put you both in a positive mood.

9. Learn to be adventurous.

So you've been together awhile. Sometimes things get a bit boring and routine. Change it up. Make the "pillow talk" experience more exciting. Maybe sexy lingerie? Maybe more foreplay? Maybe toys? Maybe a new location? Different positions? Whatever you choose, just make sure your partner will be on board with the adventure.

When we try new things together, we feel more secure and safe in our relationship. Not only are we getting our physical and emotional needs met, but we're also exploring new experiences and sensations together. The more satisfying our pillow talk is, the more we will want it.

10. Jump right into it.

I caution this one, especially if there are unresolved emotional hurts. Remember, sometimes it takes us time to re-build trust and connection, but if you feel that's what you need to do, then just do it. Sometimes, unleashing our physical desires can really facilitate all the things mentioned above, it just depends on you and your partner.

All that sexual tension will be gone. Also, if you're with someone who really needs to be physical to "fill their emotional cup," they may be more receptive to "filling" your cup emotionally.


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