Women: STOP Faking Orgasms, You're Ruining It For The Rest Of Us

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Dear Women: Please Stop Faking Orgasms

If a man can't handle being told what gets you off, he's not the right person to be having sex with.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"What do you mean? Isn't it obvious what I'm doing?"

I was trying to maneuver us into the Cat position, and he was mystified.

Apparently, all the other women he'd been with had stupendous, earth-shaking orgasms just from the insertion of his Mighty Mighty Penis. And while this is certainly possible for me, why wouldn't I want to have a different kind of orgasm, or three or seven?

Women don't have sex to have orgasms. Unlike men, we don't need that climax to feel complete. We have sex for all the other amazing feelings it elicits, but achieving orgasm is not always the be-all and end-all.


EXCEPT ME. Hell yes, I want to have an orgasm! And If I don't, I get pissed off.

All these other spine-tingling feelings are, well... spine-tingling, but if I don't climax, my vagina turns into a wildebeest and howls at the moon.

The reason why so many men are inept when it comes to making a woman climax is that too many women just fake it. I have no idea why. That's like going into a restaurant, ordering a fabulous meal, and then walking out, rubbing your stomach and saying, "Wow, that sure was delicious," and you didn't eat anything.

Many women don't want to explain to their partners what they need to have an orgasm. Maybe they feel like they need to present their orgasm to a man as proof of his prowess, to finesse his dainty ego. That's ridiculous. Women are all so different, a good lover understands there will be a learning curve involved.

If a man can't handle being told what gets you off, he's not the right person to be having sex with. Period, end of story. Buh bye.

Some women start to feel bad if it's taking too long. Don't. Are you double-parked? There is no "too long." This isn't a task that needs to be rushed through, like turning all the hangers in your closet in the same direction.

(OK, if you have little kids, all bets are off. Then it's every man/woman for himself until someone walks in. In this situation, I found that wedging a Hitachi Magic Wand in between the ex and me sped up the whole orgasm process. It was magic, aside from my kid wondering why we were using a chainsaw in the house.)

We are all so different, not just in terms of sexual preference, but anatomically. Some women really have difficulty reaching climaxes through intercourse alone, which may be because their G-spots are small or more difficult to locate. Some women just prefer clitoral orgasms, whether they know where their G-spot is or not.

Tomato, To-mah-to. Whatever kind of orgasm it is, it's irrelevant as long as it makes your whole body shake and your toes curl.


Also, the female hormones released in middle age (40 plus) increase a woman's sex drive. No, this is not an urban myth. Yes, we get more sexual and orgasmic as we get older. It's a beautiful thing. Vaginal orgasms only became an item on my sexual menu after I hit 40.

Men, please know how to kiss. If you attempt to unhinge your jaw while flopping your tongue down my esophagus like a fish out of water, it's not a good sign that you are responsive to my needs. I love the sounds of sex, but not the wet "flpflpflpflpflpflp" sound of your tongue slapping against the roof of my mouth.

If you like music to set a mood, then find something that's going to play awhile without interruption. Never leave an iPod on shuffle. Woman don't get quite as excited about the Pokémon theme song as you might imagine. And we would prefer you not have a heart attack because you're trying to keep up to "Trapped Under Ice" by Metallica. It's hella awkward if you die on top of us.

Women's lady parts are nature's Rubik's Cube. You're going to have to invest a little time into figuring out what works for each woman. This is where the whole "faking it" thing is the Destroyer of Climaxes.

Men, be willing to try anything. There's a whole world of sexual positions. Change it up. Be adventurous. Try the Flaming Amazon (set her pubes on fire), the Blanche Devereaux (sex while watching a Golden Girls marathon), the Texas Rodeo (mount her from behind like a wrestling hold, whisper in her ear, "This is how your sister likes it," then try to stay on for eight seconds).

If you're telling a man what you like, and he says, "It's not sexy when women talk in bed," find a way to get out of there, fast. Fake your own death if you have to. This is the same man who will squeeze your tits like a pair of bike horns. He doesn't want you to explain anything. He thinks he can "read your signals" because you yelped and jerked out of his vice-like grip while he gave your breasts one-handed Indian burns.


Women of Earth, please stop faking it. If you fake your orgasms, he's never going to learn anything. You are ruining him for all the women who come (or don't) after you.

And men, if your woman tells you, "The only way I can climax is for you to drive me to New York, escort me to the top of the Empire State Building and hum the Star Wars theme while you play with my butt," your immediate response should be, "Let me get my keys."

Wasn't that a movie? "Sleepless In an Imperial Starship," starring Tom Hanks?


This article was originally published at samaraspeaks.wordpress.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.


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