Oh, the joys of being a woman.
Raise your hand if you've ever been personally victimized by a urinary tract infection.
Yep, thought so.
A UTI is a freaking horrendous ailment that terrorizes your life when yucky bacteria from your butt sneaks into your urethra and tries to make friends with your bladder. Your bladder doesn’t want to be friends with butt bacteria, so the bacteria gets mad and makes your life a living hell.
While many men may never know what it’s like to have your bladder turn against you (figures), an estimated one in five women will have a UTI at least once in her lifetime. Thanks, anatomy.
Let’s take a moment to pour one out for all the ladies who have suffered, are currently suffering from, or will suffer a UTI in the future by going through the stages of getting a UTI that we’re sadly all too familiar with.
1. Shock and denial
The moment you first feel a faint burning sensation while you pee. You KNOW you’ve been religious about peeing after sex (well, maybe not religious, but you’ve made enough of an effort for a UTI to be out of the question, probably).
You chalk it up to all the hot sauce you’ve been eating because any other alternative is just out of the question. If hot sauce makes your mouth burn and your stomach burn, it can make your vagina burn, too ... right?
This happens when you find yourself needing to pee even though you literally just went four minutes ago. You squirm until you find a seated position comfortable enough that you’re not constantly thinking about the pain in your urethra — an impossible feat. So you give in and go to the bathroom yet again, only to sit on the toilet waiting for a stream that never flows.
More commonly known as the moment you lay in bed trying to sleep, but you can’t because your bladder is screaming at you. Please, almighty UTI god, you beg, I promise I won’t hold in my pee ever again if you just let this pass without a doctor’s visit. Your prayers are never answered because the almighty UTI god doesn’t accept empty promises.
Often associated with the moment you walk into urgent care because you can’t live another day with this treacherous malady. Your woes are usually compounded by the fact that you held in your pee all morning to make sure you’d have enough to go in the cup. You hit an all time low when you accidentally pee on your hand a little because that cup is just too damn small, amirite?
You’ve come face-to-face with the devil known as The Urinary Tract Infection, and with a little help from your friend Amoxicillin, you will prevail. (Pro tip: tell the doctor you can’t swallow pills, and you’ll get the heavenly tasting pink medicine. You’re welcome.)