Harsh but true.
There are two types of people in this world: those who comment "Congratulations!" on Facebook pregnancy announcements, and those who cringe and hide moms-to-be from the newsfeed before regretfully commenting, "That sucks."
Becoming a parent is an incredible, otherworldly, all-consuming experience. For starters, you literally grow another human being inside of your own body. That tiny human then follows you around for the rest of your life, and it's up to YOU to teach it right from wrong, up from down, good from bad, and all of the other millions of things in between.
Meanwhile, I'm still trying to figure out where I put my car keys. Some people are just born for the moment they become a parent, but here are 10 signs you aren't one of them:
1. You call your friend's baby "it" instead of him or her.
And she's given up on correcting you, because she knows at this point it's a lost cause. It's not that you don't realize "it" is a human being; it's really just spite not calling it by name, because to be honest, you're annoyed that it took your beer pong partner away.
2. You lose your phone regularly.
In your defense, phones these days are WAY too big. Like, the iPhone 6 barely fits in your pocket, so it's only natural you'd misplace it a few times. But um, yeah ... children also don't fit in pockets, and there's no FindMyBaby app.
3. Your idea of a nutritionally balanced meal is microwaveable mac and cheese, and wine.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. Even science says wine is good for you. And if it were up to me, mac and cheese would be a major food group. Unfortunately, you can't give babies alcohol, and I'm pretty sure they're not allowed to eat solid food for the first, like, five years of their lives or something like that.
4. You still live with your mom.
I know, I know. This seems great, because helloooo! Your baby's grandma would be right there. But how do you expect to raise another person if Mom is still folding your laundry and buying your groceries?
5. You can't keep a relationship for more than a few months.
Having a two-parent family is a crucial part of a child's development. If you're sleeping with someone new every few months, you're going to have a hell of a time trying to identify your kid's other half. Not to mention the father will (hopefully) be a part of your child's life forever. FOREVER. If you get sick of your boyfriends after three weeks of dating, how are you going to swing that?
6. You party every weekend.
If you enjoy your personal time and going out with friends, guess what? Once you have kids, your time is no longer yours. And they can't get into the club until they're 21, so you do the math.
7. Your finances are a damn mess.
Probably because you spend most of your money on alcohol and traveling. You know what alcohol, traveling and babies have in common? They're all ridiculously expensive. If you're still working mainly to support your partying habits, and want to lay down and die when you hear babies cry on planes, keep on keepin' on my friend, but don't include a baby in the mix.
8. You still haven't gotten your car's oil changed.
If we're being real here, cars are a great trial run for having kids. Both require semi-regular check-ups, an excessive portion of your paycheck, and both usually do the exact opposite of what you want them to do. If you regularly ignore the little light on your dash that's your car telling you, "Hey! I'm thirsty AF!" you have some priority issues to work out before you commit to bringing a life into this world.
The words are freaking funny, OK? I know. But if you still can't say the words aloud without snickering a little and can't watch sex scenes with (GASP) your parents, how in the name of all that is holy do you plan on using your body to deliver a child?
And let's not even talk about having the birds and the bees talk with your kids when the time comes. (No seriously, we can't talk about it because I still haven't gotten "the talk" from my own mother.)
10. You're reading this article.
If you don't automatically know you're 100 percent ready to have kids and need me of all people to tell it to you straight, YOU'RE NOT READY. Now, would you like to join me in chugging this box of wine and binge-watching The Bachelor?