You’ve heard of pick-up lines, but what about break-up lines?
There’s no perfect way to break up with someone — it’s gonna suck for both of you (but especially them) no matter how you do it. But there are certainly approaches you can use to help make a dumping less brutal.
All the lines below were used on real people who said these were the “best” breakups they ever had, in terms of minimal humiliation and short recovery times.
You’re great, it was great, but I do not feel that way about you, and I’m just not going to.
Love, we are just worlds apart!
You’re amazing, but I just don’t feel that we have chemistry.
There’s really no arguing with chemistry — it’s mysterious, unmeasurable but undeniable, probably linked to things like too-similar immune systems that neither of you can help! Speak it clearly and firmly, but still gently. You may even consider repeating it for maximum effect. Good to use on fairly strong and confident people who can take an emotional punch.
I’m afraid that I may be making the biggest mistake of my life, but I know this is the right thing to do now.
The timing isn’t right.
I just don’t want to be in a thing right now.
I have a lot going on in my life right now, and I’m just not fit to be in any relationship.
It’s a gentle approach for those with more delicate sensibilities. It’s not about them personally, it’s about your level of commitment right now. Sure, it may be bullshit, but that’s better than being unctuous or patronizing or trying falsely and spinelessly to shine a light up their ass.
PLAYING THE EX CARD
I’m so sorry, I’m just really not over my ex.
Sure, it’s going to suck for them to think they didn’t have the power to make you forget all about your ex. But you and your ex had a lot more time together and have a lot more history, your wounds are still open, and without closure you can’t move on with anyone.
SOFTENING THE BLOW
I have enjoyed our time together.
I have no intention of not seeing you as a friend – my life wouldn’t be the same.
I love you and I always will.
These are nice addendums that convey your relationship wasn’t a complete waste of time. Good times were had. A lasting friendship was formed. There’s respect there. And you don’t think they’re so horrible that you never want to see them again. Just make sure you’re absolutely 100% certain about the breakup, lest you fall into the traps of the following category.
THE ONES TO AVOID AT ALL COSTS
It’s not you, it’s me.
I don’t deserve you.
You’re too good for me.
Don’t use these. The first is just too cliche and thus rendered meaningless in this day and age. Insincerity will ooze out of your pores. The second two may be tempting, but you’re opening yourself up to debate — a debate you may be ill-prepared for. That kind of argument is susceptible to blows from logic and reasoning from someone determined to keep you theirs.
That said, you may consider a little self-deprecation — admitting that you’re an idiot or a shithead (albeit, an idiot/shithead who can never change), just to make them feel better. But don’t overdo it: you don’t want to give them the impression that you ARE a shithead and even YOU don’t like them so no one decent will EVER like them.
This article was originally published at Em & Lo. Reprinted with permission from the author.