Great News: Your Boyfriend Is Gay — And So Are You!

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Good News: Your Boyfriend Is Gay
Love, Self

Turns out: homosexuality is inherent in our nature.

In doing the preliminary research for this article, I found myself more often upset with the "expert opinions" I encountered than not. Many of the articles I went through boasted accusatory titles like Gay Boyfriend Checklist, Help! I Think My Husband Might be Gay, and Where I Went Wrong —  most of which were more seemingly written by homophobic middle-schoolers than experts.

According to some of the "expert advice" offered up (pause for sarcastic glance), your husband or boyfriend may be gay (Yes, seriously) if he:

  • Seems depressed or has ever experienced erectile dysfunction
  • Gets really excited about Halloween
  • Never gets jealous
  • Makes you kiss him first
  • Isn't homophobic
  • Enjoys art or often communicates sophisticated emotions
  • Is well-groomed or likes to keep his apartment tidy

Many of the materials I plodded through childishly promoted fear, disgust, and jealousy; some of them going so far as to suggest secretly recording your partners communications, confronting him publicly, or seeking out a love affair of your own (seriously, these really haven't been taken out of context).

In my research, it became so clear that modern thought on the topic consisted almost entirely of cheap anecdotes and fearful misunderstanding. And that's not good. So in the spirit of starting fresh, I'll offer up a real time-saver for you: your boyfriend is gay ... and so are you.

What I mean by that is that we each (according to human history, leading behavioral research, and genetic ancestry) are complex, sexually dynamic creatures naturally inclined to seek sexual gratification, intimate friendship, or love from anyone, regardless of gender. This is a concept also known as sexual fluidity.

With the advent of brojobs (which, as you'll see, are hardly new) and sister twisters, this trait is becoming clearer in today's society. With the help of this sexual renaissance and a great deal of societal introspection, the convention of "being gay" will soon be a thing of the past.

As blogger and locally renowned "brojob artist" Blake Michaels puts it, "regardless of what you call it" or where it's coming from, a "blowjob is still (and always will be) a blowjob." But modern men not theoretically opposed to receiving (or giving) a brojob are "petrified of the labels" it brings.

Brojobs, according to Michaels, have existed for as long as civilization itself.

"I've heard stories from WWII veterans about secret hookups taking place in the barracks. In those days, having gay sex acts didn't make you gay... you were showing support for your fellow comrades," he recounts.

Throughout history, sexual fluidity has been the mainstay. Until the introduction of the Abrahamic faiths (Christianity, Judaism, Islam) to the western world, most ancient civilizations freely practiced same-sex interactions (as I hear it, there isn't anything quite like a Greco-Roman shake-and-vac).

The focus for many of these lost civilizations was placed on physical beauty, sexual gratification, and aesthetics rather than gender alone. But is that so different than it is today?

Modern research suggests that sexual fluidity is not only commonplace, but that it's an essential underpinning of personhood in general.

In his paper, Some Neurotic Mechanisms in Jealousy, Paranoia and Homosexuality, legendary psychiatrist and the time's foremost mind in human sexuality, Sigmund Freud, insisted that everyone ultimately begins life as a bisexual. Prevailing contemporary social pressures of the time, however, begin to constrain the impulses of the still developing mind.

This can be almost directly observed in adolescents. In a compilatory forum, Puberty101, adolescent therapist Geoff Malta records literally thousands of teens who identify as "heterosexual" who report to taking part or expressing interest in same-sex interactions.

A fair majority of these teens admit to shying away from their natural impulses in the face of "parental or peer expectations." To put it simply, adolescents are made early on to "choose" their sexual orientations when, perhaps, it's unnatural to do so.

In nature, sexual fluidity can be observed at least as often as strict heterosexuality, especially in Great Apes. In his book Biological Exuberance, Canadian biologist Bruce Bagemihl claims that, in our nearest genetic relative, the bonobo, homosexual activity "is nearly as common as heterosexuality (in males)... accounting for nearly 40 to 50 percent of all sexual interactions," and occurs almost exclusively in females.

Biologists from the University of Oslo in Norway claim to have identified more than 1,500 species of reptiles, insects, and mammals that observe sexual fluidity. Even lions, practically mascots for male dominance and masculinity, appear to observe sexual fluidity among peers.

This sheds light on what the sexual landscape might look for like for modern humans isolated from contemporary social pressures.

What I'm really trying to say is this: brojobs and sexual fluidity at large are nothing new, nor do they "make you gay." History, research, and even our closest evolutionary ancestors show us that they aren't only commonplace, but essential parts in the natural order of things.

I'm not telling you or your partner to be reckless or unfaithful, but don't shame or judge; whatever you're afraid of lives in you, too. Beside the point, doesn't being an expressive, art-loving shopaholic lend itself to interesting partnership? Is boorish simplicity essential to manhood? Is it even possible to "be gay" if the institution itself is but a blip on the timeline of human history?

In a word: no. It's time that, as a society, we fearlessly open up and confront these issues.

It is, after all, in our nature.


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