Porn For Real People: This Is What It Would Look Like (GULP.)

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What Would Happen If Porn Plots Were Realistic
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Sex

Is this real life? Or is this fantasy?

Sometimes terrifying, sometimes hilariously dumb, porn plots are almost always highly improbable. If porn plots occurred in the real world, 90 percent of them would end with the woman filing a police report.

The genre of fantasy is probably less fantastical than porn, although George R.R. Martin tends to blur the lines between the two with Game of Thrones.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if a porn scenario happened in real life? Would you really take the "extra sausage" with your pizza? Unless Gerard Butler was your delivery man, probably not. Even then, you'd probably be more confused than aroused.

Here's how we imagine it would play out.

1. Hot for teacher

Brandi stared at the dark, oak door that stood between her and destiny in a secluded wing of Whalen Hall. A sign scotch-taped to the wall next to the door read "Office hours 3 to 5."

"Not today," she thought to herself as she pulled down and crumpled it in her hands. She applied one last adjustment to her cleavage and an application of glittery lip gloss as she reached for the doorknob.

Professor Dick Rodman didn't look up from his paperwork as she approached his desk.

"I came to talk about my ... performance, professor," she said.

"... and?" he replied.

"I know you gave me an F, but I was wondering if there was ANY way at all you could give me a D," she moaned, leaning over and spilling out of her blouse.

"Ma'am, I teach a spin class. Please leave, or we'll revoke your membership."

2. The service man

[Doorbell rings]

"Hello ma'am, I'm the plumber. I understand you and your girlfriends need me to lay some pipe?"

The following day, the plumber was written up by Roto Rooter's HR department after numerous customer complaints.

3. The married couple who adds some excitement to the bedroom

They put up new curtains.

4. The chance meeting at a party

They entered the party as strangers, and they were going to leave it as lovers. As he took off his pants, the whole world seemed to revolve around them in ecstasy. No, wait ... that's just the room spinning.

She puked in the bathtub as he passed out knowing his whiskey dick never could have accomplished anything anyway.

5. The naughty schoolgirl

"HI, I'm Chris Hansen. Please take a seat."

6. The curious virgin

"HI, I'm Chris Hansen. Please take a seat next to the other guy."

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