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Our bedtime story doesn't have a happy ending.
By Bob Alaburda — Written on Nov 10, 2015
Not being able to sleep might sound like a superpower, but in practice, it;s a waking nightmare. Having overcome insomnia in the last few years, I definitely don't miss it.
Tossing and turning is good for a salad, but not so much for a human being at 4 AM. I guess the silver lining is cost-free, drug-free hallucinations from time to time, but they're rarely the kind of delusion you want to partake in.
It can be super isolating, too. Even the sun f*cks off for at least eight hours or so every night. I can't fall asleep for two, and I'm not even on fire. Sleeping pills can help, but they're the kind you get hooked on. You know, the ones that kill celebrities all the time.
Being awake at all hours of the night, you learn some things. All kinds of weird shit happens when the rest of the world is asleep. Such as...
1. Running out of things to read in bed on the internet.
2. Staring at the clock to figure out how much sleep you'd get if you fell asleep that instant.
3. Getting so excited when you start to doze off that it wakes you up.
4. None of the folk remedies like drinking warm milk or counting sheep do sh*t.
5. Now is the perfect time to solve all the problems in your life simply by worrying about them.
6. The energy after a rare full night's sleep is a precious commodity not to be wasted.
7. Wondering what dreams are like because you never actually get a REM cycle, even if you do sleep.
8. There's simply nothing on Netflix you're above watching.
9. Getting uncontrollably angry at being awake (seriously).
10. Snacks taste better at 2 AM.
11. Even sleep-deprived, you're not dumb enough to buy the junk from infomercials.
12. A near-empty city is eerily beautiful in the middle of the night.
13. Beds and pillows somehow become super-uncomfortable when you lie in them for too long.
14. People not understanding when you don't have a reason why you haven't slept.
15. Getting offended when someone mentions how well they slept last night.
