Am I A Total Failure Because I Got A Divorce? (Hint: NO!)

Heartbreak, Family

But, it is time for you to move forward.

Checking the "D" box is a big deal in our society.

Most of us get married with the wide-eyed belief that we'll stay hitched forever. So what happens to us on the inside when our dream of a life-long marriage ends in divorce?

Well, experts tell us — we grieve. We mourn the loss of who we were with our spouse. And, we grieve the loss of the life we're never going to have with our ex. 

Many of us also go inward and question the choices we made that led us to the separation in the first place. In this self-reflection process, feeling like a failure is not an uncommon response.

In fact, a U.K. study tells us, the top two reasons people regret getting a divorce are: Missing their partner and feeling like a failure

What does "feeling like a failure" do to you mentally?

According to Deborah Schurman-Kauflin Ph.D., spending too much time feeling like you're a failure can become a patten of negativity that repeats itself. It's almost as if you become "sick on the inside". Your feelings of being "not good enough" or "never getting it right" lead to choices and a mindset that cause you to make decisions where you can live out these beliefs like a habit.

So, how can you shift out of that toxic mindset and get your life back on track?

We took this question to our YourTango Experts. In part, because we KNOW you're not a failure because of your divorce, but also — we know that if you're reading this post, YOU have forgotten this fact.

Somewhere inside, you've allowed yourself to believe that you're a failure, and that's simply not true. And we want to remind you of this little, yet incredibly important fact.

To dig into the question, we asked Thought Leader Charles J. Orlando to lead a discussion with Experts: Dr. Foojan ZeineAnabelle BugattiKaren Covy and Patty Blue Hayes. The panel's collective expertise ranges from counseling and coaching to legal and divorce recovery ... not to mention some very personal experience dealing with divorce on their own. 

As you'll soon see (in the video above), the group quickly delivered one clear message for us all — To STOP feeling like a failure, you must change your thoughts about yourself.

Yes, it's tragic when a marriage ends. We see our dreams shattered and grieve lost experiences.

Our children slowly face the sad and painful truth that Mom and Dad won't be together anymore and that they must learn to love their parents in a new way. It's hard stuff and seeing your kids struggling with it only compounds the pain and shame you feel. 

But, maintaining the belief that you're a failure will only make transitioning to a new life even more challenging (for you and your children).

So, if you're stuck with this belief about yourself, our Experts can help. Reach out to them and re-watch the video above; make it your daily affirmation that you are NOT a failure. You're merely one of the many navigating hard emotions during a period of change and uncertainty. You can feel more surefooted on this new path as soon as you put your mind to it.

Happy healing.



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