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Worse than dad bod, now there's OFFICE BOD!
By Michael Hollan — Written on Jul 13, 2018
You work in an office. It's not ideal, but it's not terrible, right? You sit in front of a computer all day, and then you go home. Even though you've only been working in offices a few years, you feel like you've aged an entire decade.
What happened? Well, you've got office bod.
Office bod isn't like dad bod at all. Dad bod screams, "I'm laid back because I like to have fun." Office bod says, "Oh man, I hope I signed all the right forms."
It's when your body adapts to the sedentary lifestyle of working in an office, and it's the visual representation of depression.
There's weight gain, but there's other changes too. Your body morphs itself into a shape that will fit comfortably in front of a computer and no where else. Suddenly, any activity that involve typing or looking directly into a brightly lit monitor just doesn't feel comfortable anymore.
If you're worried that you've got office bod, here are 9 signs that will let you know for sure.
1. You gained weight, but went down a belt size.
One of the first victims of office bod will be your butt. Sitting down all day just flattens it out. What was once a Christmas ham is now just two pancakes.
You know you didn't lose any weight, but all the sudden your belt has less area to cover. Hopefully you took some pictures of your butt while you had it, because it's gone gone gone.
2. You get upset when you have to dress casually.
Has it gotten to the point where you prefer office attire? Office clothes are great at hiding the true shape of your body. You can always throw a suit jacket on to hide your waist. Casual clothes just bring too many expectations with them.
3. You run out of breath if you have to walk further than the bathroom.
Your body has adapted to the minimal amount of movement you're giving it everyday. Want to see if you have office bod? Get up, walk to the bathroom, and then just keep going.
How much further can you get before your heart starts pounding? If you can't make it further than the vending machines, you need to get out more.
4. You feel shorter.
A distinct feature of office bod is slouching. Do you feel like you've lost an inch? When you sit down, does your face feel lower to the ground, but also slightly closer to whatever you're looking at?
Do you catch a quick glimpse of your reflection and think, "Didn't I used to have shoulders and a neck? Where'd my shoulders and neck go?"
5. You take off your shoes at your desk.
I've seen people do this, and it's so depressing. Taking your shoes off is basically saying, "I'm going to be here for a while." If it's your couch at home, then that's perfect. If it's your desk at the office, what are you doing?
Keep your shoes on, so that even the idea that you're going to take a walk isn't crazy sounding.
6. You buy desk "comfort" accessories.
When you first started at the office, you saw people who had these things and you just felt so sad for them. You know what I'm talking about. The neck pillow, beads on the chair, other things that help your body morph into a gelatinous blob without feeling too much discomfort.
Now, you don't even know how it happened, but you own several of those things. You've become the sort of person who'd rather sit on beads then get up and go for a walk when your butt gets numb.
7. You hate people who aren't even in good shape.
Unless you have six pack abs yourself, you hate people with abs. Not in a real way, but in a jealous way. We all do it, it's OK to admit it. Super in shape people make our normal bodies look terrible.
Now, however, you catch yourself hating people who aren't even in shape. They're just not in terrible shape. You hate anyone that can wear a medium sized shirt, just because they don't have to count X's to find the right size.
8. You don't even bother looking at the weather forecast.
You know you're not going outside. You're going to be in the office all day, and the temperature in there is controlled by machines. It could be sunny, snowy, rainy, mud-slidey — it won't affect you.
All told, you're going to spend about three minutes not enclosed by walls and glass, so it just doesn't matter.
9. You get more anxious about missing Facebook than a workout.
You were planning on going to the gym today, finally. Then you realized that you forgot to post on Facebook. You have to take care of that! The gym will always be there, but Facebook posts need to be timely. Surely you have your priorities in order.
