I Went To A 12-Step Sex Addiction Program But Honestly, Eff That

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I was being told I was a bad person for appreciating my sexuality by a man who had none.

By Kara Shaw

My guy, B, is a sexual key master. He has the key to every one of my orgasmic buttons. He possesses the Konami Code for the clit.

I get to be myself, get a little kinky, get a lot excited, and experience both clitoral and g-spot orgasms any time I want them. My ability to squirt has been awakened (yes, it’s a real thing). If I don't ask for sex, he says, "It’s been a couple days aren't you due for an orgasm?"

So, why am I gushing, so to speak, about this sexual marvel?

I used to be sex shamed by an ex for wanting sex too much, taking too long to orgasm, and being a “sex addict”.

To be classified as a sex addict in his mind I committed the following heinous acts:

  • I wanted more sex. I had sex 5 times in 2013 and 4 times in 2014.
  • I took too long to orgasm. I used to really get into the way it felt when he would go down on me, probably because it was so infrequent, and it would take me a good twenty minutes to get to my orgasm.
  • I looked at porn and masturbated… a lot. See above “I wanted more sex”.
  • I asked for sex. I hinted at sex. I practically begged for sex. I threatened to leave the relationship because of the sex (among other things that eventually led to the demise of the marriage).

My ex called me every name in the book, including "disgusting", for the sexual desires I had. I became Enemy #1 – SEX ADDICT. My sentence: The Big Book.

I began to go to SLA (Sex and Love Addiction) meetings, followed a 12-Step Program, and called myself a SLAT.

I felt worse about myself, had to stay abstinent, and my relationship wasn’t getting any better. I did this for months. I watched these men and women in group shame themselves for having sexual appetites that weren’t being satisfied at home.

In the small town where I live there were no sexual deviants or court ordered attendees. These were just people who either got sent to group by a spouse or had strayed from their marriages and were using this as therapy.

That’s when I called bullshit!

I asked my then husband why he never wanted to have sex and he said he wasn’t interested. I then asked him if he masturbated and he said no. He didn’t have the urge or the interest.

I then promptly left the 12-step program and decided I wasn’t going to be sex-shamed any longer because he didn’t have a sex drive.

As a woman, I should be ashamed…for staying in a relationship where I was hurt and wrongfully accused of being immoral. I had no Scarlet A on my chest, I wanted an orgasm. I left that marriage and stopped feeling ashamed of who I am — a sexually vibrant woman.

There are certain basic needs we have as human beings: food, water, the urge to love and be loved, to have companionship, and our primal urge to mate. Sex is fun, it feels good, and gosh darn it people like it. Serotonin levels are at their best when they're high.

Why was I labeled an sex addict because I wanted something that is inherently human?


I was being told I was a bad person for appreciating my sexuality by a man who had none.

He used words like "fat", "disgusting", and "gross" more times than I would like to remember and helped me form horrible self-esteem. Body-shaming is bad enough, but sex-shaming should be a jail-able offense.

If I could teach the women of the world one thing, it’s that you should always be proud of who you are, sexual polymath or not.

Back to my opening gush, here’s lesson #2: Once you find someone who is as sexually voracious as you are, you will never feel shamed again. Sex is normal, fun, and can teach you more about yourself than anything else.

Let’s stop being sex-shamed and start loving ourselves. Open yourself up and find that key to your best orgasm.

This article was originally published at BlogHer. Reprinted with permission from the author.


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