8 Brutal Truths I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Got Married

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Love, Family

Forget everything you've heard before about marriage. This is the raw truth.

Never go to bed angry.

Happy wife equals happy life.

Love is patient, love is kind.

Sound familiar? This is the stock advice people give you when you're about to walk down the aisle. And yes, they do apply in some instances. But if you've been married for five years, 10 years, or many more years, you know there's so much more to the story.

I wish someone had told me...

1. All those little quirks of your relationship, that once had you bragging about your one-of-a-kind love, would soon drive you crazy.

Especially after experiencing them over and over again for more than ten years. That the way he slurps loudly anytime he's eating soup or noodles. And the way I can never find anything when we need it the most.

These used to be cute little things that made us who we are. Now could you puh-leeze stop making the slurping sound, and for the love of GOD organize something before I lose my mind?!

2. While I was buying the dress and he was buying the ring, it wouldn't matter after what you'll experience down the road.

That when you lose jobs and friends and family members, the wedding day will be but a memory. Yes, it was a good time — one you'll never forget. But him holding you while you cry when your at your worst? That's what marriage is about.

It's not about one day, although there will be good days. It's not about things, although there will be good things. It's about being there when the other can't even explain why they need you to be there. They just do and you comply.

3. After you have kids, they finally grow up a little bit.

They maybe only need you every five minutes instead of every second. You'll wake up one morning, look at your partner and think, "Oh sh*t. Who is this person? And how did we just wake up in the same bed?"

At some point, whether you wanted it to happen or not, you got lost in a sea of diapers and milk and toys and laundry. Soon it was just saying good morning and good night. It was pecks on the cheek instead of passionate kisses, because who has time for that when you're so exhausted?

Instead, you've been relegated to collapsing in bed next to this person from which you're growing further and further apart. You didn't want that to happen. And you swore it never would.

But despite your best efforts, it did happen. And the adoration you once felt is now a mutual respect for sticking around after seeing each other in your worst moments.

4. It's OK to not have sex.

It's OK to let your kids be the center of your life because who are we kidding, newborns and toddlers are the center of your life. Deal with it and move on. It's okay to look at your partner and say, "Nah, I'm good but thanks for the offer. Another time."

That you're not under any obligation, even when you're married, to fulfill someone's fantasy when all you want to do is get some damn sleep.

Sex will eventually come back into your life and there's a very good chance it will be better than before. Because you're new people now, remember? You get to learn about each other all over again. Only now you have kids, so let's get to the good stuff quickly and be done with it, shall we?

5. You can be married and still feel lonely.

When you both begin to disengage from the relationship and don't do anything to stop it or bring them back — because you're too damn tired or you just don't know where to start — you'll feel alone. Even though this person is walking around in the same house.

This person is using the same bathroom and closet. This person is sleeping next to you each night. You can still feel very much alone. And he feels alone, too. He just doesn't know how to say it without hurting you.

6. Marriage counseling doesn't automatically mean divorce.

Mark my word, the very mention of counseling and a big dark cloud sweeps overhead. Your friends and family crick their neck to the side and wonder who will get primary custody of the kids.

Then you start to feel guilty or like you're inevitably headed for that which cannot be named, so don't even say the word. Or, it could mean you need help sorting through years of baggage and bullsh*t that happened before you even met.

It could mean learning how to communicate when you're both two very different human beings who don't understand what the other is trying to f*cking say. It could mean having an unbiased party there to mediate so a small conversation about loading the dishwasher doesn't turn into World War III. It could mean saving your marriage and growing closer than you ever were before.

7. The actual number of times I'd have to forgive my husband ... and how many times he'd have to forgive me.

Sometimes for things we'd already apologized for, and sometimes for things we didn't feel we did wrong in the first place. That we most definitely would go to bed angry some nights.

That there will be tears falling on pillows in the dark because we didn't know what to say or how to say it once the lights went out. That forgiveness isn't absolute. You'll need it every day. Every week. Every year that you're ever married.

8. Love changes throughout the years.

That it's still good and pure and amazing, even when you make mistakes. That you'll still feel those butterflies, although it may be when he sends a short text to tell you that you looked pretty this morning, instead of a dozen roses or a diamond ring.

But it will feel oh-so-good to look up from your phone and spot him looking at you from across the room. His eyes looking at you the same way he looked at you on your first date. You'll know it's going to be OK. You're going to be OK.

This is love. This is marriage. For better or for worse. You got this. I wish someone had told me.



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