Go ahead. See if these will get you out of hot water ...
I remember when I was little, I heard a radio commercial for a website called AshleyMadison.com. It was a dating website for cheaters.
It had a name that sounded innocent on purpose, so that if your spouse saw the name in the Internet history, then he or she wouldn’t get suspicious. The only problem with that plan was Ashley Madison became popular. Very popular. And pretty soon, everyone knew it was a cheating website. It might as well have been called “cheating-cheaters.com”
Honestly, I didn’t even know the site was still around. I mean, the jig was up.
Apparently, I was wrong because news broke that the site was hacked and a bunch of the personal user information was released. Basically, if you were on Ashley Madison then you’re probably busted (also, you deserve to be busted, you disgusting cheater!).
I mean, what did you think was going to happen? Using Ashley Madison is the dumbest way to do something you shouldn’t be doing in the first place. Well, there are probably going to a bunch of super awkward conversations tonight.
Here are 10 excuses to use if and when you're outted for having a profile on AshleyMadison.com:
1. I thought it was MySpace.com!
I got confused, and by the time I figured it out, I had already entered my credit card information. I thought it was weird that I was being charged to open a MySpace account. Then I tried to update my top friends, and I was like “wait a second, MySpace isn’t even a thing anymore! What site is this?!”
2. That’s an old profile.
Yeah, I made that before we were together. I never used it though, it was just too sleazy. Everyone on there is the worst. As soon as I saw who I was dealing with, I was like “no way!” What’s that, it says I was active last week? Come on, you know those things are never accurate.
3. My friends made it for me.
Yeah, they were just messing around. They were like “oh man, you’re going to get in so much trouble!” I was like “no way, my wife is the best and really smart and she knows I would never cheat on her.” Let’s go get some ice cream, right now.
4. That’s just a guy with the same name as me.
And also the same face. And interests. Oh man, this is crazy, isn’t it? I wonder if he’s related to me in some way. We should try to contact him, because he’s totally not me! You know, what, we probably shouldn’t contact him because he’s a dirty cheater. See, you’re so lucky, you got the good version of me.
5. I can’t believe you still don’t trust me!
Oh, so just because you caught me having a profile on a website specifically made for cheating, all of the sudden you don’t trust me? What happened to us?
6. Isn’t this a jewelry site?
I thought Ashley Madison was the name of a jeweler. You would make a profile and then be like “my wife is so wonderful, will you make jewelry for her?” Then you’d agree to meet up and get the jewelry. That’s what I always used it for, I don’t know what everyone else was doing with it.
7. I was looking for you!
Hey, I was just looking to see if you were on there. And you weren’t, so everything’s fine. I totally forgive you for making me get an Ashley Madison profile just to check on you. Don’t make this about me.
8. I think I was hacked!
I hear China is doing that to people now. They went after Sony Pictures, and then I watched The Interview, so they’re probably coming after me now! Here, I’ll call the FBI and get this sorted out. You just go get some ice cream or something. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.
9. Getting mad at me is letting the terrorists win!
I was only on that site because I knew ISIS was against it. I’m a patriot, so if you’re going to be mad at me then you also have to be mad at America. Is that who you are now, someone who get’s mad at America?
10. We're living in a parallel dimension!
I think what happened was a vortex opened, and an alternate version of me was on this site. I read about stuff like that happening on Science.com. It happens more often then you’d think. I’m surprised you haven’t heard of this before, you should really try to read more often.