Other than the lyrics to Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust."
While marriage hasn't been in the cards for me, seeing everyone around you take the plunge starts to make you wonder if you're missing out on something. Classic peer pressure, I suppose, but affecting nonetheless.
Watching your world change around you really makes you reflect on your own life. And seeing all your buddies get married can take its toll in that regard. Which is why you're probably used to these thoughts running through your mind on a daily basis:
1. What's the male version of a spinster?
While everyone was off finding the loves of their lives in their 20s, I was busy dating all the wrong people.
Eventually, you start to wonder if you missed your window of opportunity. Am I too old to find true love? Are all the good ones already taken or traumatized by Bill Cosby?
2. Does this mean we can't hang out and play Xbox anymore?
Replace Xbox with whatever your "immature" hobby is and you'll catch my drift.
When you see everybody growing up and becoming more "adult," you wonder if they'll still have time for someone who doesn't have the same goals and responsibilities.
Are you still allowed to get day drunk at Chili's when you're married? These are the answers I need.
3. I hope the reception is open bar.
Anyone who has a wedding without an open bar should be tried at The Hague. First, I need to drown my sorrows at the blaring reminder that I'm going to die alone. Second, everyone knows weddings are super boring.
The only people there for the emotional bit are your parents, and the rest of us just want an excuse to dress up and blackout.
4. How do you make single friends when you're older?
Now that all my friends are becoming responsible adults, they're not as available for generalized debauchery.
The problem is, it's not that easy to make friends without some common bond to force you together. I suppose I could join a local group or volunteer, but those both sound way more difficult than just drinking alone.
5. I'm running out of excuses about why I'm not married yet.
My mother dies a little more inside every time another friend gets married and not me. When you reach a certain age without a fiancé in sight, people start to wonder if there's something wrong with you.
Pretty soon I'll just have to admit it's not that important to me.
6. How do you tell your friends you can't afford all this wedding bullsh*t?
It's THEIR special day, yet somehow it's costing YOU an arm and a leg.
Between an engagement party, bachelor party, traveling to the wedding, getting a gift, and whatever other masturbatory rituals I have to partake in, I'm broker than Owen Wilson's nose.
After five or so friends, I'm considering what being homeless will be like.