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You're his date, not his therapist.
By eHarmony — Written on Oct 11, 2020
By Dr. Seth Meyers
The goal in dating isn't to find someone who doesn't have any issues, but rather, to find someone who doesn't have serious emotional problems.
This is not to say that there's anything inherently bad about a person with emotional problems; those individuals just have to work on their issues and wait to get into a relationship until they're stable and balanced.
5 Signs He's An Emotional Wreck
As you look for a lasting relationship, here's how to distinguish between those who have basic, everyday issues, versus those who have intense, emotional problems.
1. You see red flags in the first few weeks of dating.
The best way to tell if someone has serious emotional issues, as opposed to the garden-variety, everyday issues, is to consider the timing.
In the beginning of dating, everyone is theoretically on their best behavior. For this reason, you shouldn't see any major red flags in the first month or so of dating.
If you do see such signs in the first few weeks, it's fair to assume that you've started dating someone who has significant, long-lasting emotional issues.
2. Family or friends notice your date's bad behavior.
There's nothing quite like someone you know well to keep it real and put a situation in perspective for you.
If you are dating someone who has any number of issues — a touch of jealousy, a hint of insecurity, or a habit of getting defensive — you and those close to you will typically blow it off. Why? Because we all have flaws.
However, we don't all have serious emotional issues.
If someone close to you points out something worrisome in your date — and you trust the person who reports it, it's fair to say that your date probably has some emotional issues that could seriously get in the way of having a good relationship.
3. The intensity of your date's negative feelings are too strong.
It’s perfectly normal to show a little anger or frustration here or there when you’re dating someone. Yet sometimes, you’re out on a date with someone and his or her reaction hits you like a freight train.
When you see your date express a negative emotion, you will instantly have an "oh snap!" moment if the emotion is too strong, and this isn’t normal.
If your date gets a little too angry or frustrated about something small in the blink of an eye, be very careful. There’s a good chance that your date has serious emotional issues.
4. Your date can’t bounce back quickly after getting upset about something small.
A good rule of thumb to keep in mind is this: Getting annoyed or upset about something minor is OK as long as you can bounce back within a few minutes. But if you get upset and you're then stuck in a funk that's hard to get out of, that's a problem.
If you're on a date with someone who can't seem to bounce back quickly, it's a sign that your date may have pretty heavy emotional issues. Ask yourself immediately, Do I want to be this person's therapist in the relationship? (Just checking, but please answer "no.")
5. You think about your date's worrisome traits before you fall asleep or when you first wake up.
I've heard it said that the thoughts you have when you first wake up are some of the clearest and honest thoughts you will have all day, and I have found this to be true in my own life and in the lives of my therapy clients.
If you wake up in the morning and replay upsetting statements your date made or you mull over things he or she did, odds are that your instinct is sending you a clear message that this person may have some serious emotional problems.
Your instincts speak to you loudly when you hit the pillow at night, too.
If you're lying in bed and trying to fall asleep but keep replaying something upsetting about your date, it's a sign that your date is triggering real anxiety in you and that this person may have emotional issues that are interfering with your ability to relax and feel good about the future of your relationship.
You'll hit the dating bullseye — by finding someone positive and a relationship long-lasting — if you remember to be on the lookout for serious emotional problems as you meet new people across the dating world.
When you do meet them, don't freak out, be rude or run for hills crying. Instead, try your hardest to be kind and empathetic, and let them down easily.
If they catch you off guard by trying to make future plans, say, "Let me think about it and get back to you." If they go in for a real kiss when you know you're not going to see them again, say, "Can we just do a kiss on the cheek?"
Ultimately, being nice is the right thing to do, even when you meet with someone who has emotional problems.
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Dr. Seth Meyers is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, and TV guest expert. He has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy. Visit his website for more.
This article was originally published at eharmony. Reprinted with permission from the author.