Romantic classic + Tinder = hilarious hot mess.
So, here's a line: "In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."
Sound familiar? You might remember it as something Colin Firth uttered, playing a hunky Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice (based on the book by Jane Austen, so maybe get on that if you haven't read it).
I tried to imagine how this line might be revisited, if it were done through texting. Here's what I came up with: "I am SO HARD right now. HBU?"
I mean, it's funny because it's TRUE.
So, I took some more lines from classic romances and Tinder, and text-ified them for modern audiences. Some of these borrow from real-life texts friends have sent or received, and some are adaptations of things I saw on the Instagram accounts Tinder Nightmares and Texts from Your Ex. (In some cases, I didn't change a word because the real thing was GOLD. I marked those.)
Check them out (and send me more lines to text or Tinder-fy if you're interested):
1. "The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!" -Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen
Tinderfied: "He hates brunch. Big no."
2."You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope ... I have loved none but you." -Persuasion by Jane Austen
Tinderfied: "DTF? (U R the only person I asked that today)"
3. "Men outlive their love, but they don't outlive the consequences of their recklessness." -Middlemarch by George Eliot
Tinderfied: "Um, can you delete that photo of my junk? All the photos of my junk?"
4. "She hates everything that is not what she longs for." -Adam Bede by George Eliot
Tinderfied: "Eek. I meant to swipe left."
5. "He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." -Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë
Tinderfied: "He sent me a photo of his d*ck and I wasn't unimpressed."
6. "I would always rather be happy than dignified." -Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë
Tinderfied: "I'm pretty sure I peed myself when I saw you." (Note: this is a real Tinder response)
7. "Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow / That I shall say good night till it be morrow." -Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
Tinderfied: "Talk later?"
8. "Love moderately. Long love doth so. / Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow." -Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
Tinderfied: "Girl on Tinder, in this town I'm stuck. We should meet up so that we can f*ck." (Note: this is a real Tinder response)
9. "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" -Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
Tinderfied: "It's been three days since I texted you and I know you're not dead. Please f*ck off."
10. "What's in a name? That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet." -Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
Tinderfied: "I'll tell you my real name when I’m more sure you're not a creep. For now, it's Mandy."
11. "I protest against any absolute conclusion…" -Middlemarch by George Eliot
Tinderfied: "I'm not sure I like him. But I'll let him buy me dinner and feel me up."
12: "Life is so constructed that an event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation." Vilette by Charlotte Brontë
Tinderfied: *poop emoji*
13. "Do you like him much?”
"I told you I like him a little. Where is the use of caring for him so very much? He is full of faults."
"All boys are."
"More than girls?"
"Very likely. Wise people say it is folly to think anybody perfect, and as to likes and dislikes, we should be friendly to all, and worship none." -Vilette by Charlotte Bronte
Tinderfied: "Do you like him?"
"I told him I wasn't looking for a serious boyfriend."
"So, not much?"
"He was hotter in his photo. They all are."
"So am I."
"Whatevs. You're hot. Anyway, I'd be his FWB."
"And keep stalking your ex?"
"Bitch. That's real talk."