60 No-Doubt-About-It, Very Clear Signs You Love A DOUCHEBAG

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Unsolicited D*ck Pick? Check.

Though there is no scientific evidence on the subject, in researching this article, we’re fairly sure that roughly 1 in 4 men and women are dating an honest-to-goodness douche (yes, women can be douchebags, too). Read on for true encounters so shocking, you might feel compelled to take a shower ... in bleach.


1. Choosing to run, hide, deny and ignore instead of communicate respectfully and effectively is cowardly at best and often douchey.


2. Shirtless photo-in-the-mirror profile pics? Douche. Duck lips? Double douche. Oompa-loompa orange tan with frosted lips, fake nails and tramp stamp? Run.


3. You sleep together, he drops you off the same night and says, "Well, thanks for coming out."


4. Any guy or girl who makes you feel insecure on purpose is a douche.


5. If he knows about "The Game" and thinks it’s "cool," bye. How old are we?


6. Sorry, ladies: If he only calls you for last-minute dates, you’re plan B or C, and it’s just about sex.  As they (as in douches) say, "a side chick will never become a main chick."


7. You’re sleeping together but can't be Facebook friends or see his Instagram. Red flag!


8. He acts into you, you sleep with him and then he says it’s cool if you see other guys but wants to continue sleeping with you. Ladies, this is not someone you want to spend time with. What dude wants to share that? Oh, we know: a douche.


9. Any man who pushes you to be exclusive, swears it’s destiny, promises you the sun, moon and stars, talks about your future on date three is either a douche or a stalker.


10. Flipping off the camera is not cool, it’s lame. While we’re on that topic, sideways peace signs are just ...


11. He or she doesn’t text you back for days. Everyone has their phone with them 24-7. It’s a sign they only care to speak to you when it’s convenient for them. Or they have a relationship.


12. He tells you that the STD info put out by the CDC is false and just "intended to scare us". Ew! #GetOffMe


13. She talks about other guy's penis size and says, "but you're good, too."


14. If he or she texting while you’re out at dinner or going to the bathroom with their phone, they are likely texting someone else.


15. He says, "I’m glad we’re on the same page about wanting kids–and getting rid of the baby weight quickly."


16. He tells you to dye your hair from blonde to brown to get a boyfriend because attractive blondes are seen as "F*ck Toys."


17. He or she is dating men/women who are two decades younger/older and are hotter/richer than them. It must be because they have so much in common.


18. He gives you IOU’s--actual IOU's on torn cardboard-- instead of gifts on special days.


19. If you have been seeing one another for six months and he’s telling you he loves you but his friends have no idea who you are, you’re not together.


20. He has his own name tattooed anywhere on his body.


21. Lookout: Unsolicited dick picks!


22. Your friend has met them 10 times and they always says "nice to meet you".


23. He/she goes MIA or "gets sick" on special days.


24. He tells you he plans to date a 25-year-old for 10 years and then "trade her in for a new one" to avoid having children.


25. He won’t return the jewelry you left at his house, even through his doorman.


26. He talks about your future but still won’t call you his girlfriend.


27. He wants to make out in bars and on the street. Unless he’s from Europe, then he’s not a douche, he’s just European.


28. You have been sleeping together and doing "couple things" and he still introduces you as his friend eight months in.


29. They think having any of the following: A good body, a nice apartment, a pretty face, a black card, a job or money makes you "lucky" to date them.


30. He dates you and then all of a sudden he tells you he needs to marry you to stay in the country.


31. She insists on using a particular super-premium liquor — when it’s going into a mixed drink.


32. He dedicates Eminem's "So Bad" to you because it's "Gangsta".


33. He asks you if you would say yes to a date, you say yes, and no date.


34. You go on a date with a guy and after he kisses you, he confesses that he’s married.


35. He/she puts his phone on airplane mode around you.


36. He says he loves you and then you never see him again.


37. He asks if you want the clothes other girls left in his apartment.


38. He makes himself seem like God’s gift to women and promises you the world for the first three months ... only to find him posted by various women on psychodaters.com.


39. They say they like you and want to be with you, but need to be sure before they stop dating the person they have referred to as their "F*ck Buddy" for the past a year.


40. He has a loud engine that you can hear 10 blocks away.


41. He introduced you to his friend and says, “Isn’t she hot?”


42. He/she won’t let you use his/her phone without freaking out.


43. He has more gel in his hair than a Dep factory.


44. He's a 40-year-old struggling DJ who secretly does Molly.


45. He disappears when you already have plans to see each other, and then the next day tells you that he fell asleep at 8PM ... and that he has sleeping pattern issues and that a proof of this issue is that he was born asleep.


46. He talks about what he owns in 90% of his conversations.

47. He texts and texts and you never see him.


48. He invites you out, asks you to pay for dinner and then wants your leftovers.


49. They ghost you during business trips.


50. He starts dating you ... and later informs you that he is still living with his ex-wife ... no wait ... he means his wife.


51. He’s Facebook friends with 1,000 hot girls he doesn't know.


52. He actually used the terms "models and bottles."


53. He takes you out on a date and then tells you he forgot his wallet.


54. She tells you, point blank, she expects you to buy her something because "I'm pretty".


55. He pursues you pretty hard (wants to see you almost everyday) and even goes to church with you in Spanish (only speaks English). Then after a month, you sleep with him and he calls you the day after to tell you that there is no chemistry.


56. He/she has no problem checking out other men/women right in front of you.


57. You have been dating a month and a half and his friends say they met last week at a place down the street ... when he told you he was out of town.


58. You meet a man and have a nice time only to have him send you a photo of a man walking a woman on a leash like a dog with the phrase “Johnny Walk Her.” When you are offended, he doesn’t understand why.


59. He calls you “babe” for two months and then catch him going through your mail because he doesn’t know your name.


60. He hits on your mom...in front of you.


Brenda Della Casa is the Author of Cinderella Was a Liar, The Managing Editor of Preston Bailey, A Huffington Post Blogger and the Founder of BDC Life In Style. She is usually found in the gym hitting the speed bag to Eminem, having a wine-down with friends or writing with her beloved Chihuahua, Tony Che Montana, by her side. Facebook: BrendaDellaCasa /Twitter: @BrendaDellaCasa / Instagram: @BrendaDellaCasa


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