Your vagina would smack you upside your head if she could talk.
Let's do a quick anatomy lesson. Women have vaginas ... and we treat them like complete shit sometimes. We wax, pluck, scrub, and spray in attempts to maintain appearance or smell. We put our ladybits through ridiculous routines and insert things in them that DEFINITELY do not belong.
What some women may not understand is that the vagina is extremely sensitive to some of these customs. It's all fun and games until you make your vagina super-angry and you're curled up in a ball wishing you'd never treated her poorly.
Sure, she's high-maintenance and may require a little TLC now and again, but you only have ONE VAGINA. So, learn how to treat her right!
Here are 8 things your vagina desperately wants you to know.
1. "For the love of God, please don't put soap in me."
Ladies, you want to keep her clean, but using soap is NOT the way to do that. Yes, it's okay to use mild soap on the outside but lathering your labia is a big NO NO. Soap creates a pH imbalance and leads to all kinds of infections that scratching certainly won't help. Screaming for the pain to stop? Eh, that might work.
Studies (and Dr. Oz, of course) reveal that "the vagina is a self-cleaning oven." You don't need anything fancy to clean yourself; all you really need is some warm water in the shower or bath and your vagina will do the rest. Don't stress her out by making her susceptible to infections.
2. "Would it KILL you to use some lubricant?"
Are you trying to rub your parts out of existence with all that friction? When doing the dirty, you often neglect your vagina. If she isn't 100% prepared, well, you're sh*t out of luck.
A little lube goes a long way and enhances your sexual experiences — but only if used the proper way. Make sure to steer clear of oil-based and silicone-based lubricants, as they are known to irritate the skin are difficult to wash off (and may require soap, which, again — DON'T DO IT!), and can even cause the condom to break. And no, spit does NOT count as a lubricant.
Don't be shy about using lubrication. Water-based lubes are totally okay to use (because that's what they are made for, duh!). Think of lube as armor for going into battle, except for your vagina. If you prepare and take all necessary steps to prevent irritation and infection, your vagina will be smiling ear to ear ... errrr, labia to labia?
3. "WHY ARE YOU SHAVING ME?"
You give yourself crazy bumps and ingrown hairs when you use that razor, but you do it anyway. She can't talk, but your vagina is probably screaming in pain: "With all that shaving, you'd think you're getting ready to meet Prince Harry. Why can't you just love me the way I am? *sob*"
Shaving and waxing make your vagina feel smoother, look cleaner, and won't completely gross out your OB/GYN. You'll also decrease the amount of bacteria and lice in your pubes. But how many ingrown hairs do you need to get before you realize what you're doing?
All those nasty things creeping in your pubic hair travel right down inside your vagina, since there's no barrier holding it back. And did I mention INFECTION? Use a razor with rust or built-up bacteria on it and you set yourself up for staph or molluscum. Neither of which are the even least amount of fun.
Unless you want to itch your vagina ALL DAY, put down the razor! Use a trimmer instead, yeesh.
4. "Scented tampons? You cannot be serious!"
Your behavior is out of control, woman! You MUST love infections, because you're headed right down that road. Do you think your man really gives a sh*t what you smell like when you're on your period? Nobody needs blood clots that smell like roses or lavender.
Some consider tampons themselves to be dangerous because of the long-term effects and the chemicals used in production. Dioxins, which are linked to cancer, are in tampons as well as most of the food we consume. There's also Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS), a deadly consequence of leaving your tampon in for too long or using them too frequently.
So whether or not you choose to wear tampons, please don't use scented. They're not only bad for you, but pretty much pointless. Actually, you might just want to stay away from anything scented that you put on or near your genitals.
5. "You're using a douche? This MUST be some sick joke."
Maybe you feel like you can make yourself super-clean downstairs by douching but you're actually causing more damage than you think.
According to Lauren Streicher, an OB/GYN and clinical professor, "douching promotes the growth of bacteria and may increase your risk of pelvic inflammatory disease by transporting chlamydia or gonorrhea up into the uterus. In addition, vinegar and betadyne in douches can dry vaginal walls and increase inflammation."
Essentially, you're covering up your problems with a douche. Are you remembering to wipe front to back? Are you showering regularly? If you're really concerned for your vagina's cleanliness, seek medical attention that is NOT a stream of vinegar you shoot into yourself.
6. "What the f*ck is vajazzling and why are there rhinestones on me?"
Okay, here is a serious question: Why are you putting f*cking GEMSTONES on your vagina and pubic region? Do you think you'll transform into a sexy model or a Real Housewife? Maybe you're just trying to play Pretty, Pretty Princess with your genitalia? No. You're making yourself into an art project from hell. You aren't a princess; you're just really, really weird.
Your vagina doesn't want you to end up like women who tried DIY Vajazzling and cut off parts they didn't mean to. Don't believe me? Have fun going to the emergency room with your labia missing. And if you don't remember to clean the gemstone-area properly, you're also exposing yourself to infections.
Plus, do you honestly think a guy wants to have sex with a vagina that's covered in glitter and gems? This isn't a 6-year-old's bedroom, nor is it an art class. We get that you might think vajazzling is "cute" or "relaxing," but seriously, WTF? I'm pretty sure normal women don't do that. Buy a princess crown or make an inspiration board with glitter glue.
7. "You're piercing me WHERE?"
Out of all the places you decide to get a piercing, you choose your vagina? Of all the places? First of all, OUCH. Second, it's clear you don't know the risks of genital piercings. Third, did I mention OUCH?
Women get genital piercings to boost sexual pleasure, with options to pierce their labia, clitoris, or clitoral hood. Maybe you're just into kink and believe these piercings are the way to go. But this isn't a tongue or nipple piercing; this is on your genitals, an extremely sensitive area and a breeding ground for infection.
If these piercings aren't done properly and in a completely sterile environment, your chances of getting a bacterial infection, allergic reaction, or scarring are extremely high. You also expose yourself to hepatitis, STDs, and in extreme cases, HIV/AIDS.
8. "Don't forget to exercise me!"
Over time, your pelvic floor weakens from childbirth, weight gain, and aging. According to Healthline, "The pelvic floor muscles support the womb, the bladder, and the bowels. If the muscles are weak, these pelvic organs may lower into a woman's vagina. Besides being extremely uncomfortable, this can also cause urinary incontinence."
So, it's 20 years later and your organs start to fall out. Too bad you didn't exercise your vaginal muscles while you could, right? That's where kegel exercises come in. Just like you work out the other muscles in your body, kegels are exercise for your insides. You can do them just about anywhere: on a plane, on a train, in a house, with a mouse ... you get the point.
Do yourself a favor and keep your bits from falling out of your body, okay?