If He Does These 10 Things, He's Just Not That Into You (Sorry!)

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men, not into you

"Follow your heart, but take your brain with you."

I have received many an email from women asking me about the way a man is acting and what it might mean, or not mean. More often than not, women who are doubting the feelings of the man in their life are usually right. Meaning, if he’s just not that into you, you will probably know.

Nevertheless, though, it is easy to be caught up in infatuation or mutual attraction and overlook the warning signs.

I read a quote once that said “follow your heart, but take your brain with you,” and this is exactly what we need to do in dating and relationships. Too much emotion or logic can cloud our judgment, and we need to have a balance of both.

So, what are some signs that he’s just not that into you?

1. He makes generalized statements in your direction rather than talking about you.

In other words, could his compliments be copy and pasted into his texts to another girl, or is he talking about something specific to you? Unfortunately, in today’s society, there needs to be a conversation about commitment had before it can be assumed that either partner is actually committed and not talking to anyone else.

If a man is vague in his discussion and doesn’t dive into what makes you tick, what your passions are, and what you want out of life, you have to honestly ask yourself how interested he truly is.

2. He spends more time talking about himself than trying to get to know you.


To some guys, the dating “game” is just that — a game they can play in order to win. That’s why they’re called players. A man who is truly interested in you will take the time to converse with you and relate to you during your discussions, not keep all of the attention on himself to convince you how great he is just to "win you."

3. He passively invites you places.

This is to say, his attempts to spend time with you are weak at best. Not only might he always be “too busy” or delay getting together (probably because he’s with another woman), but if his only invitation to you is a Friday night text asking if you want to get a drink, he may have had plans fall through and isn’t showing you the proper amount of effort to actually plan a night around you.

A man who is serious about you will always make the time to see you. No excuses, lies, or broken promises. You deserve better than being a backup plan.

4. He only talks to you when he wants something or is making plans.

Unless he’s trying to see you, he never talks to you. This one is a big red flag. Is he talkative, romantic and friendly as the weekend is approaching or when he’s asking you to spend time together, but seems distant and much less eager to respond to texts any other time? Sure, he might be busy with work, but people are constantly attached to their phones and he will find time to text you back if he really wants to.

5. His words and actions are inconsistent.


A man (or anyone) can talk a certain way, and then act another way. Words are nice, but they are always drowned out by actions. Early on in a relationship, watch what someone does more than what they say. Words can be dishonest, but actions can’t.

6. He avoids PDA like the plague.

It goes without saying that some people aren’t comfortable with public displays of affection, this is totally natural. But one thing to pay attention to is whether or not it looks like he’s trying to still appear single even when he’s with you.

Does he want people to think you’re his sister? His cousin? Does he want the cute waitress to think he’s just out to dinner with a work colleague? If he is proud to be with you (which he should be), you will know it. If he’s not, you’ll always be wondering if he is.

7. Meeting friends and family seems to be off-limits.


A man who can really envision a future with you will want to integrate you into all parts of his life. This means introducing you to his family and friends, and meeting yours as well. It means inviting you to family dinners and gatherings. Having his friends say, “I’ve heard so much about you” when they meet you. 

If he always seems to be too busy to meet the people who are special to you, and doesn’t invite you to meet his, this is a red flag.

8. He's hesitant about a future together.

A man who is really into you will picture you in his life far into the future. If he is hesitant about committing to something far down the road, he is probably hesitant about committing to the entire relationship, also.

9. He doesn't remember important details.

When a man is emotionally invested in you, he will put in effort to really listen to what you are saying and remember details. Your friend Emma had surgery last week, does he ask how she’s doing? Is your sister’s baby feeling better? Does he have a better chance knowing who fired the first shot on the grassy knoll than he does of remembering when your first date was? Red flag.

10. You are always unsure about his feelings.


I have no problem admitting it: a woman’s intuition is usually so accurate it can be scary. But it can be blurred if she is really into someone.

If I had to venture a guess, I’d say nearly everyone reading this has been on the inside of a situation that all of your friends tried to talk you out of, but you couldn’t see it for what it really was. The biggest red flag for a man not being into you is that you are always unsure of or questioning where he stands.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If a man truly cares about you, you will know it and feel it. If he doesn’t, you’ll be wondering all the time if he does. 


James Michael Sama is an award-winning Boston based blogger on the topics of dating and relationships, having amassed over 30 million readers in just a year and a half. He writes and speaks on the topics of chivalry, romance, and happiness throughout the country and has been featured repeatedly in news segments, talk shows, and mainstream radio.

This article was originally published at The Good Men Project. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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