Defering to your man means you know your relationship is strong.
The word submissive is defined as: ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive.
Wow, what woman wants to be described in this regard especially in the context of a relationship? I definitely don’t. I don’t know many who would. If I were talking about being submissive by this definition, there'd be a real problem. Good thing I’m not.
Here's my definition of submissive: allowing your true feminine essence to shine by consciously deciding to surrender yourself, mind, body and spirit to the man you have welcomed in your life because he has shown he aligns with your life vision, standards and truth.
The key word in this definition is "shown," meaning there has to be action behind his words or submission won’t work because you'll feel taken advantage of and disconnected.
Allow me to paint a picture of what being submissive looks like for me.
I meet a man who is God-fearing, stable, honest and loving. He proves, through his actions and not just his words, that he's a good leader, decision-maker and visionary. He looks past his own needs and puts the needs of the relationship first without feeling slighted or taken advantage of. He knows fully who he is and has taken the time to do the self-work necessary to be in a successful relationship. He is willing and able to be vulnerable and has no hesitation in showing me that I am significant in his life.
If a man proves these things to me in our relationship, I will relax and let my true feminine essence shine. I will be open to him and let him in emotionally, mentally, sexually and spiritually. I will allow him to be his full masculine self and trust in his protection and decisions because he's proven he's willing, able and capable. I'll never pretend to know it all but instead will be comfortable in asking him for his help and opinion. I will let him show me the way because he has proven he has my best interests at heart. I will be his strength when he's weak and provide comfort and support at all times.
Being able to be all these things in a relationship is a strong statement because most women feel as though we always have something to prove; we have to make it known that we're equals. I don’t want to have to always be strong with my man; I want the ability to relax and know he’s got the wheel. That’s not to say he will make all the decisions and I’ll be relegated to some lifeless object. No. What I’m saying is if a man has proven he's worthy of my love (and I'm worthy of his), I know he has my best interest at heart so I will let him take the lead.
Defering to your man means you know your relationship is strong. You know you’re strong and you know he's strong because you're willing to relinquish the natural urge of self-preservation for the benefit of the relationship. It’s a beautiful thing.
I'm fully aware this goes against the modern feminist movement.
Yes, the movement that screams "I am woman, hear me roar" and "I don’t need a man". I get it. I fully believe this movement has been created more out of sheer necessity than by choice. Women have been required to "wear the pants" in our relationships because some men don't understand how to be household leaders, nor are they willing to be. Also, because single motherhood is so prevalent, women have been forced to be both mother and father. This has made the act of building trust with a man extremely difficult, hindering our ability and desire to be submissive in our relationships.
Because I've had my fill of lackluster, standardless, dysfunctional, exhausting relationships where I still gave my all, I have to assume that being submissive to a man (who has shown he's deserving) will be a cake walk. After all, I've been in relationships where I've been overworked, undervalued and forced to be the head of the household out of necessity because my significant other wasn’t pulling his weight.
This reverse role-play caused major strife and discord because I ultimately felt like, "What’s the point of being in this relationship if I'm the one doing everything?" So when my last relationship ended, I vowed I'd no longer work hard for someone who wouldn’t or couldn’t work as hard for me.
I don’t know if/when I’ll meet the man who will be worthy of my submissiveness but I’m too not worried. I'm confident I'll know him when I see him because I've been working hard on myself in order to fully understand what I want and why I want it. When he does appear in my life I'll ready, willing and able to display the new sexy submissive-ness without hesitation.
This article was originally published at Baby Mama Lessons. Reprinted with permission from the author.