Let's face it, new parents are pretty hilarious.
By Denise Stirk.
New parents are hilarious. I can say that because I was a new parent once - and I'm guessing that if you are reading this site, that means you have been as well (or will be at some point soon). One of the best things about our new parent selves is just how clueless we were when it came to the whole baby-raising thing.
Technically speaking, we all read the books, but there is a certain bit of know-how that you can't get until after actually being in the game for some time. My husband and I have spent many a moment saying, "Wow, do you remember when we did XYZ when so-and-so was a baby?" And like everyone, we were just trying our best, but how many of these moments (which come from my very own new parenting playbook, by the way) do you look back on now and have a chuckle?
1. At how nervous you were handling your newborn. Remember how gently you put on and off those tiny little newborn clothes? And holding her for those first few weeks? All new parents have those moments of being afraid of breaking a finger or arm.
2. The amount of research you put into exactly which baby gear to buy. Strollers, breast pumps, nursing pillows, bottles, pacifiers... If you were buying it for your baby, then you were researching it!
3. When you would freak out about any rash or spot on your babe's skin. Admit it: you've googled various rashes and spots worried that a deadly disease was forming itself on your babe's skin in the form of a small blemish.
4. The things you actually, seriously googled. Things like: What does normal newborn poop look like? Why is my baby drooling? Do babies dream? How come babies don't have bad breath?
5. That you used a thermometer to check the temp of your baby's bath water. Or better yet, like me, paid extra for the infant tub with the built-in warning system that would tell you if your baby's bath water was too hot or cold.
6. The amount of time you spent analyzing your child's sleep patterns. Raise your hand if you had a notebook. And you tracked your kiddo's sleep right down to the minute. And stared at it for hours to figure out the magical formula for getting your baby to sleep more.
7. That your baby had playdates before the age of 4 months. Let's be honest, you had a good time, but did your baby really need it?
8. At how you panicked when your child was a little delayed in crawling. ...And now you can't get her to stop moving for two seconds.
9. How you thought it was cute when your child started using the word, "no." Won't make that mistake again, now will we?
10. The number of times you called the doctor that first year. It was a lot. It's OK, we all did it.
11. How obsessed you were with your baby's bowel movements. The fact that junior had not pooped for 12 hours was literally keeping you up at night.
12. That you really thought your baby would only eat homemade baby food. No, seriously - I really told myself that I would never feed my baby jarred food.
Which turned into, OK only organic jarred food. Which turned into, oh well, these were on sale. Which led to, what the heck, let me just smush up these french fries at a restaurant.
13. The amount of video footage you took of your child doing nothing. I have hours of video footage (I'm not joking) of my firstborn child possibly, maybe, almost reaching for a toy for the first time. I went back to watch some old videos other day and just laughed.
14. The fact that you would actually wake your sleeping baby up to eat. Why on earth would you do that? Grandma was right; never wake a sleeping baby.
15. At how your tot's first low-grade fever kept you up all night. I'll never forget the first time my kiddo got a fever (or what I considered to be a fever as a new mom) and had no other symptoms.
Obviously I rang the after-hours line at the doctor's office. Her temp didn't even break 100, and the pediatrician explained to me to call back if it went higher; otherwise, stop worrying.
16. At the crazy questions you asked his pediatrician. You know you marched into the pediatrican's office with a list of ridiculous questions. "Is it OK if my baby sleeps with this incredibly small and lightweight lovey over his face?" Or, "Can you look at this picture and tell me if his crib looks SIDS safe?"
17. At how worried about germs you were. Especially germs from other peoples' kids.
18. That you hired a babysitter and she never actually even saw your baby. You would always put your baby to bed well before the sitter arrived - and you basically paid her to study for her exams on your couch instead of hers.
19. How much stuff you would carry around with you when you left the house. Extra diapers, bottles, formula, snacks, change of clothes, infant Tylenol, Band-Aids, wipes, portable wipe warmer, etc.
20. That you did not let your child watch any TV, ever. If the baby was in the room, the TV went off. If by chance you did allow screen time, it would've been timed.
21. That over-the-top party that you threw for your tot's first birthday. It's an exciting time. It is. But looking back you now realize your baby had absolutely no idea what the heck was happening - and that all your childless friends thought you were crazy.
22. At how much you agonized over the whole preschool thing. Guilty as charged here. I agonized over the decision over which preschool would be the perfect fit for my firstborn. You know, for the four hours a week she started out at.
23. How much you fretted over her first drop-off playdate. That first drop-off playdate or birthday party is a tough one.
I definitely called the party girl's mom to talk to her about what the girls would be doing (and then I ended up staying for half of it anyway).
This article was originally published at PopSugar Moms. Reprinted with permission from the author.