13 Ways To Rid Yourself Of That Stupid Elf On The Shelf FOREVER

Elf on the shelf
Self, Family

Because sometimes that red little troll needs to die.

A recent, totally unofficial poll conducted by me proved a very important holiday point: I'm not alone in my hatred of the Elf on the Shelf. Most people dislike the little creep for the same reason I do. I don't need something else to keep track of during the holidays. (Heck, I can barely keep up with tooth fairy duties!)

While I admire parents who have the creativity and endurance to keep up with their elf, I will never be one of them. As usual, the internet has a way of turning everything into a competition and the lengths to which people will go to create the wittiest, most clever hiding places for their Elf on the Shelf gets obnoxious really fast.

So in retaliation, I have started my own crusade to end the elf.

If nothing else, it's wildly satisfying to see how his cheeky, sh*t-eating grin can be turned to a look of panic and terror by simply taping his mouth shut, stuffing him full of catnip, and tossing him to your feline.

1. Sit that elf down and force him to watch every episode of Caillou ever produced. Just be sure you have elf-sized headphones or you, too, will want to dig your brain out with candy canes.
2. Throw that bastard into the yule log. Volcanoes are probably pretty hard to come by where you live, so do the next best thing and send your elf headfirst into a roaring yule log.
3. Potty training a toddler? Use your elf as a way to keep the potty seat up for maximum air circulation within the bowl.
4. Attach your elf to a cat toy. Or better yet, stuff him with catnip the way some criminals stuff their buttholes with weed when smuggling drugs.
5. Snuff the elf in the microwave. I've been inside a lot of places that probably feel pretty similar to a microwave, but the real thing has to be absolutely terrible. Go ahead and set it for 10 minutes; that elf has crapped marshmallows all over your living room rug for years.
6. Hook that smug face up to a ceiling fan. Bonus if you can get a liter of vodka down his throat on an empty stomach first. (Better if you do this one at a different house. The splatter could be brutal.)
7. Have a wide open backyard with lots of critters and wildlife? Smother him in peanut butter and syrup, then let nature take its course (and the elf's face.)
8. Put him in the blender. I've challenged my blender with some pretty hefty ingredients, so why not see what it could do to a bit of red felt and stuffing? My guess is he'd puree just fine if you add a little liquid.
9. The next time you get gas, shove your elf onto a semi. Use tape, use glue, use magnets, use whatever you want. Your elf problem is solved and he gets to see more of the world.
10. Teach him all about the cold, then play "Let It Go" on repeat for nine straight months. This is essentially what every parent has been putting up with for almost two years.
11. A bit controversial, but waterboarding is used as a form of torture because it works. Switch the water out for hot chocolate if you're conflicted about it.
12. One word: BLACKMAIL. New on the scene is the Whore in the Drawer. Introduce your elf to the whore, have your camera ready, and in no time you'll have some fine material to send back to ol' Santa Claus. Show him what his "spy" has really been up to.

Don't forget to get a real good shot of your target's face. You don't want just any old elf getting mistaken for the whore's client. You want to be sure to peg your elf so you can get rid of him for good.
13. Set up a sting. If a romp in the drawer doesn't convince your elf's bosses that he needs to go, it's time to get serious and set up a sting with a few fetishes, kinks, and maybe some cross-dressing. Yep, that should do it.

 

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