I want my mommy!
Let me preface this with the fact that I have nothing against online dating. Online dating is a great way for busy or introverted people, or those with weird schedules, or just those who want to meet new people outside their current circle and local haunts, to find romance or a hookup or a husband or wife or friend with benefits.
I know several people who've met spouses or long-term loves through online dating, and that's rad.
OK, so now that that's out of the way ...
If you're looking for a relationship that won't end in heartbreak, murder, or just a whole lot of therapy that you probably wouldn't need otherwise, make sure you do everything in your power to avoid the following online dating sites.
Or at least go it with your eyes wide open and be prepared for weirdos with dick pics.
Steve Harvey developed Delightful, an online dating service for women to make them "more dateable." Right. Because women are the problem, not men who have been divorced twice, married a woman with whom they cheated on their second spouse, and think mustaches are a good idea.
Sugar Daddy For Me
If you want someone else to pay your bills or buy you a purse in exchange for your company, along with added but unwritten expectations of sexual favors, fine. That's your business. But know that this is basically glorified prostitution, which is illegal in most places in the United States without a few loopholes and clever language. It's also pretty dangerous when both parties have different levels of power within the relationship, as well as being really skeevy if the dude is married (and a lot of them are). If you want an older man to pay your bills or buy you a purse just because you're adorable and don't necessarily want to have sex with him, just nag your dad.
Photo: Sugar Daddy For Me
Miss Travel is basically Sugar Daddy For Me but with the added danger of potentially being overseas in a place where you may not know the language with a man who wants something from you. That sounds safe.
Photo: Miss Travel
If your self-esteem is low enough for you to actually consider yourself an Ugly Schmuck, online dating isn't for you. No dating is for you. You need to love yourself first. And maybe get a haircut and a book or something.
Photo: Ugly Schmucks
Tinder is an online dating app based entirely on whether you'd bone the other person. If you've ever used Tinder and complained that whoever you met was a shallow asshat, know that you are part of the problem and should swipe left on your own existence.
Luxy describes itself as "Tinder without poor people," which essentially makes it "Tinder with more snobs, more gold diggers and more ass*oles."
Also, is that Solange Knowles? If that's an unlicensed image, for their own safety, everyone at Luxy should start taking the stairs.
Beautiful People forgets that beauty is subjective, superficial and, after a while, boring. If all you care about is tanning, the gym, plastic surgery and hair extensions, you're basically just dating slightly more attractive Jersey Shore castoffs. Have fun in the kiddie pool.
Photo: Beautiful People
OKCupid admitted to experimenting with bad matches to see if users would fall for it and link up with one another. That's not nice, it's not ethical and it completely defeats the purpose of seeking online help to find a date.
Hot Or Not
Rating strangers on a scale of "Hot" or "Not" isn't a great way to find love, but it is a great way to lower your and their self-esteem and contribute to a culture of narcissism.
Photo: Hot Or Not
I don't have a problem with eHarmony in and of itself, but I have a problem with the old dude in their commercials because he's so against the idea of finding love anywhere else. Many people have met their soul mates in person. Or in prison. Who are we to judge?
Dating Twitter is an amazing way to find love from bots who want to sell you diet pills and penis enlargement supplements.
Photo: Dating Twitter
CraigsList is full of creeps (just look to the left) and at least one murderer. Abandon all hope ye who enter there.
Meet An Inmate
Meet An Inmate is actually a great online dating site, but only if you hate your parents.
Photo: Meet An Inmate