Alpha Woman: I Found Your Achilles Heel (In The Bedroom)

alpha woman
Love, Sex

Here are the real reasons your sex life is lackluster.

Today's woman does it all. She not only brings home the bacon and cooks it, but she also makes sure that it is organic, grass-fed, and free-range. She arranges it on BPA-free plates and serves it with environmentally-friendly cloth napkins and a side of allergen-ally quinoa. And, then, when all is said and done and the kids are asleep, she takes her man into the bedroom and blows his mind.

Or does she?

A study from Johns Hopkins University found that alpha women often have lackluster sex lives. The researchers found that the more decisions a woman made, the less intimacy she enjoyed with her partner.

And no wonder. When women try to do it all, they end up feeling exhausted and resentful at the end of the day. They no longer have the time or the energy to take care of themselves. Goodbye, Brazilian waxes, hello, fur! They stop getting highlights and they stop hitting the gym. As their grooming plummets, so does their self-esteem, so enter the yoga pants and the frumpy ponytails and the makeup-free face. In other words, a far cry from how she used to look (and feel) before she got married and had kids.

Additionally, in an attempt to save time, most women cut where it hurts them the most: They stop spending time with their girlfriends. A study from Harvard Medical School found that women who had close friends were less likely to develop physical ailments as they aged, allowing them to live longer, healthier lives, as well as more joy-filled lives. Additional research from UCLA shows that when women are faced with stress, the hormone oxytocin is released which causes them to tend to her children and connect with other women. "When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect," states Gail Berkowitz in an article on friendship among women.

So while cutting time with close girlfriends might save women a few hours a week, in the long run, it hurts them emotionally and physically and impedes their ability to manage stress more effectively.

Alpha women also make another crucial mistake: They start treating their partners like one of their kids and attempt to run their homes like a tight ship. Rather than relaxing and enjoying the time together, they often focus on results! And especially if the kids are young, this easily takes over most of a family's time together. As soon as breakfast is eaten, it is time to brush teeth, then get dressed, then eat some fruit, then have some milk, then turn off the iPad, then give a toy back to the baby, on and on and on. As she attempts to keep order and get things done, she assumes the role of Major General … and that generally means demoting her husband to Private! This is an all too common scenario that we see play out in the real world as well as in pop culture. Sitcom after sitcom reinforce these stereotypes.

Shows like Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens, and Still Standing all feature an intelligent, bossy wife trying to wrangle a hapless, dopey husband into submission. It might pass for comedy on a boring Tuesday night, but it's the last thing you want to reenact in your house.

Not only will you end up feeling exasperated and angry as you try to control your husband's and family's every move, but he will view you as a controlling authority figure — an over-bearing boss or mother, rather than as his sexy, desirable lover. Yes, every time you nag or give a command, "How come you didn't empty the dishwasher? Please change the baby's diaper then brush his teeth. Make sure you read to him before you put him to bed. He needs to go to bed. Now." Or even "You're as bad as the kids!" followed by an eye roll and exasperated groan.

No wonder neither of you are in the mood for sex at the end of the day! It's easy to see how all of these factors can completely derail your bond and make you lose that loving feeling. After all, you fell in love with a sexy, handsome, capable man, not a child! And, he fell in love with a smart, attractive and flirtatious woman, not a mother-hen pecking at him to pick up his dirty clothes and empty the trash. You want to be partners, not an unequal pair with one of you wearing the pants while the other one has to ask permission to turn on the television.

My advice? Be an alpha woman in the boardroom. But never in the bedroom. Unless, of course, he's into that kind of thing … in which case, make sure you hang up your whip once the session is over. Because nagging just ain't sexy!


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