The 50 Shades Of Grey movie trailer hit the web after its debut this morning on TODAY, where Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson were on hand to promote the clip. And, uh, hopefully they're being paid handsomely, because instead of being titillating and appealing, the Fifty Shades Of Grey trailer was just a lot of awkward moments and secondhand embarrassment, similar to how the source material in the books feels to anyone with a modicum of literary appreciation or knowledge:
0:00-0:10: Dakota Johnson as Ana Steele, a college graduate who doesn't know what Google is or how to use a computer, is in an elevator and says, "So this is just an interview for the newspaper. I have a couple of questions."
I have a couple of questions, too. What's with your notebook? How do you graduate college in this millennium without knowing how to use a computer? How do you know how elevators work? Do you think a minority male should be there to push the buttons for you like back in the olden days where her brain and journalism skills apparently live? How did she figure this out?
0:11-0:21: An apparent Fembot tells Ana Steele, "Mr. Grey will see you now" and escorts her into his office.
Somehow, they found someone more wooden than, well, Steele to do this. Someone give this casting director a bonus.
0:22-0:24: Jamie Dornan as Christian Grey stares out a window.
And probably contemplates jumping.
0:25-0:39: Ana Steele looks around nervously as Christian Grey walks around the office, and she talks about how polite and intimidating he is.
Because when you're a college graduate who doesn't know how to use a computer, a billionaire should intimidate you. Because you're basic. Like, beyond Lauren Conrad-level basic.
0:40-0:51: Ana Steele says there's not much to know about her and emphasizes her point with "Look at me." Christian Grey replies, "I am."
So are we. We're not impressed. Jesus Christ, this is so awkward. Why does she have to dress like a sister-wife?
0:52-0:54: The elevator doors close.
There was a bit of a delay there. Someone that rich needs better engineers.
0:55-0:59: Christian Grey and Ana Steele walk through the woods. He tells her he exerts control in all things. Then, somehow, they're in a cafeteria or cafe when she replies, "That sounds really boring."
Well, I mean, she's right. Also, what's with his crazy eyes?
1:00-1:02: Producers remind me that this is probably what I'll be doing on Valentine's Day.
1:02-1:08: Christian Grey makes out with Ana Steele in an elevator.
To the tune of a reworked "Crazy in Love" by Beyonce instead of Aerosmith. Why not Aerosmith?
1:09-1:15: Christian Grey takes Ana Steele up in Charlie Tango, his helicopter, and tells her, "I'm incapable of leaving you alone." She replies, "Then don't."
No. This is where you reply, "Then I'm getting a protective order." Also, note all the elevators and air travel. Is this a metaphor saying I have to be high to enjoy this? Because that's what I'm sensing.
1:16-1:20: Ana Steele walks through Christian Grey's bedroom wearing his blankets and sheets. He tells her he had a rough start in life and to stay away from him. He goes jogging.
First off, I know they just did the nasty, but dragging bedding across the floor is impractical. Get a damn T-shirt. Also, stay away from him. Let him jog.
1:21-1:22: Jose, played by Victor Rasuk, tries kissing Ana Steele. Christian Grey gets in his face. Then he makes out with Ana Steele in bed.
Because a simple, "Hey, she's not interested, leave her alone" talk just isn't brooding and dramatic enough, guys.
1:23-1:30: Christian Grey tells Ana Steele he doesn't do romance. He caresses her leg during dinner with his family. Rita Ora has a short black bob.
I don't do schmaltz. I want to go home. Dude, your mom is right there. Ugh.
1:31-1:34: Christian Grey has his shirt off and says some stuff. He picks up a blindfold. His shirt is off. Jamie Dornan is shirtless.
This is almost redeeming.
1:35-1:38: They're in an airplane doing tricks.
Because he's a rogue, a rebel, a Maverick!
1:39-1:44: Ana Steele, looking a little worse for wear, tells a shirtless Christian Grey, "Enlighten me then."
How? By showing you how a search engine works? Sending you an email?
1:45-1:53: Christian Grey shows Ana Steele the red room of pain. At some point, they're in a bathroom and she's wearing his shirt and little else. There's a riding crop and some rope.
But where are the cattle and the horses?
1:54-2:00: Ana Steele's arms are tied with red rope. She wears a blindfold in a red room and jerks her body forward and moans a little bit. Also, she's naked. I think.
Incidentally, if you subtract the nudity, that's the same state I'd have to be in to make this film bearable. Also, if someone could provide earplugs, that'd help too. Because the dialogue in this tripe is a million times more searingly painful than anything in that perverted playroom. And for the record, this doesn't even include the infamous Fifty Shades Of Grey tampon scene.