How many kinds of lonely do you think exist in the world? I’ve never actually asked myself before…it just popped up right now because suddenly Susan wanted to address how lonely I was last year before I decided to go back online.
I was bone deep lonely. Incredibly, cumulatively, overwhelmingly lonely. Seven + years living like a monk without any physical connection to any man; living without any intimate touch or intimate communication. As Jewel sings, "I was half alive but I felt mostly dead".
I was also completely on my own, estranged from most of my family, recreating my world inside and out, figuring out how to make a home again and saving saving saving money. After several long years, I began making new friends that today are the backbone of my existence as well as continuing with the few that stayed with me after the break up. And oc, I had Boo who is what kept me going through more than one dark period. I'm so thankful I have one person in my life I'd willingly, and without hesitation, die for. Truly.
But. The daily minutiae without anyone to help carry the groceries, share dinner and decisions and listen to the day, good or bad, was starting to bleach me out, emotionally. I was Arctic tundra within and I feared I was incapable of connecting with another human being on that level anymore. I’d been unseen and untouched for so long I felt I could no longer join the rest of humanity. I was becoming invisible even to myself.
Read the rest over at BlogHer: After 7 Years Of Loneliness, I Still Refuse to Settle for "Mr. Wrong"