Why? Because Every Rose Has It Thorn
Sometimes I think I projected ideas onto him. Other times I muse that I dreamed him into existence. Through BodyTalk, the real me revealed herself more and more. The last time I genuinely fell in love it was my persona which attracted a clever trickster. Now that I was conscious and committed to being and expressing the real me, a throwback to my adolescent days surfaced. It was a second chance to change the pattern for better in the same situation.
What situation was that?
Meeting a man with whom you are brazen and unabashed with. A man that is causing attraction in you except there is no fear communicating with him. In fact, you're utterly uncensored, and tell him he's as hot as your favorite actor (the one you'd be more than happy to be a local mistress for) without batting an eye. The dynamic feels just like with my first love but mixed with an adult woman's comfort talking about Tantra along with business topics. How did this happen you wonder.
With my first love I choose the maladaptive strategy when it was clear what was going on. What was happening was that my childhood puppy love enjoyed my attention but all I'd be was the pal watching him romance others as she convinced herself it was fine. It is possible that you can find someone whom you can be totally open with, get along fabulously with, and never ever be able to get with romantically because it’s just not aligned for that to ever happen between the two of you. That was my first love and I. When the reality dawned on me at 17, I opted to become a rather obnoxious streetwise punk rock styled femme. It was my way of acting out frustration. It was also a very brilliant method for preventing anyone else to get close like him again since they would probably hurt me too. Being defiant then became a strange kind of fun. To call me fierce looking was a something I took as a complement. A pattern of resisting connection had formed.
Fast forward. At 26 I have a miscarriage and am relieved because the would-be father would have insisted on getting married. That’s right, I didn’t want him to propose. The miscarriage happened before I confirmed I was pregnant and never mentioned anything to him. Time passes and now I’m 28. The man who has been pursuing me for two years finally won me over. He has a three-year-old son from his now defunct marriage. Suddenly I have the chance for an instant family. Nothing makes me happier than being with him and reading stories to his little boy.
What’s the problem? His ex-wife and her undiagnosed bipolar behavior has him, his family, and all their friends concerned about what she will do next. The judge already took away her parental rights. Yet she is like a volcano with lava brewing below the surface. Two years of walking on eggshells and I leave by moving West. Now I am back in the Rockies in my hometown and chance brings first love Patrick back into my life. We hangout like teenagers again. Then the same old reasons why he can’t choose me resurface. Once again I’m reminded that love is dangerous. I cut ties once and for all with Patrick and when the project is finished I move to California as planned.
Five years go by and now I’m 33 and heartbroken by deception in San Francisco. I pick myself up, stumble upon the book May Cause Miracles, and am led to BodyTalk with Heather Strang through Gabrielle Bernstein’s network on HerFuture.com. I dive in with full feet from December 2012 through to Valentine’s Day 2014. So much growth, the real me is back, and my heart is fully open again for the first time since 17. Then he shows up in my life. Another Patrick.
From the moment I hear his voice it’s clear that I was wrong. It’s still possible to meet a man who could be a best friend and your lover all at the same time. Prior to that I thought it was only a once in a lifetime event with a childhood sweetheart because you’re unformed psychologically in youth. Nope, Dead wrong. A man can be that if the right elements of his personality and temperament fuse together to make it so for you.
In a matter of days, I’m communicating with him uncensored. We talk about sex, Tantra, connection, business, the yin and yang of masculine and feminine in relationships, and unlike every other man before him, I don’t want to run away. He’s not a brother figure or a fatherly friend, he is both and more, because he also has the potential to be the lover. When I tell him that he makes me feel the kind of head and heart stirring reactions that my favorite actor does, I’m not worried about his reaction. There is no agenda, it’s not flirting on my part, and the whole thing feels like a natural flow of communication.
Yet He is a triple threat. Not that he is frightening, not at all, in fact I never felt safer. What is interesting is that this man and I are interacting like a replay of Patrick and I. The exception is the man is older, like I am, and more evolved in many ways. How this dynamic formed in such a short time is a surprise. It’s as if a happy angel took over my mind and is acting through me with him. Whatever the case it’s a chance to break the pattern.
My gut tells me that it’s safe and healthy to be playful in conversations with him. Then my gut warns me that I could re-enact the dynamic with Patrick. Basically, this man could be everything Patrick was except better, as a friend, which is all good except I’ll be distracted from finding another who is the whole package. By that I mean a man who will actually and full-on occupy the role of significant other. Patrick never did and I was looking at a repeat in someone who reminded me so much of all the good things about Patrick and more.
BodyTalk brought back the real me enough to choose differently and wisely this time. My persona had wanted to be an Advertising Executive back in the day. She loved image and being calculating and influencing. She also tended to see what she wanted to see in the process which led to disappointment.
Now that the genuine me was back from all the BodyTalk sessions, I’m still using the name Jackie, but my real aspirations are now front and center in my mind. When I was 16 I saw the movie “Silence of the Lambs” and wanted to be a behavioral analyst aka profiler like Dr. Spencer Reid on the TV show Criminal Minds. What does this mean? Instead of seeing through the lens of an advertising professional with their malleable perceptions I looked clearly at him, me, and the situation. Yes, I amateur profiled him in relation to me.
My conclusions were positive but also clear about one thing: If I choose to continue engaging in communication with this man then it is a conscious choice to repeat and replay the pattern I wanted to break. However, if I wanted to be a man’s leading lady instead of good pal, then I had to end all contact with him now.
Does it mean I didn’t start caring for him as a person? No, I did. Does it indicate that he was playing me? No, not at all. He never played me. In fact, I feel he treated me with a lot of kindness. Does it suggest he is not a good person? Absolutely not. I am left with nothing but an impresion of kindness in him and his good heart.
All my profile concluded was that I had to let go of the familiar dynamic with a new person if I wanted to have my heart’s desire. If love was what I wanted I simply needed to cultivate a different and unfamiliar pattern.
One can either audition for the good gal pal role or that of leading lady. Not both. I made a choice to be free to land the lead in love with someone else.
For more on BodyTalk please visit:
IBA Global Healing: www.bodytalksystem.com
- Lyn Delmastro, BodyTalk Practitioner, Yoga teacher and therapist, Biofeedback therapist: www.biofeedbackportland.com
- Shelley Poovey, BodyTalk Practitioner, Pilates trainer, creator of Radiant Heart Meditation (RHM), author/co-creator of Empowering Pregnancy: www.bodyattunewellness.com
- Heather Strang, BodyTalk Practitioner, bestselling author of The Quest series, and Huffington Post blogger: www.heatherstrang.com