Sometimes I think I projected ideas onto him. Other times I muse that I dreamed him into existence. Through BodyTalk, the real me revealed herself more and more. The last time I genuinely fell in love it was my persona which attracted a clever trickster. Now that I was conscious and committed to being and expressing the real me, a throwback to my adolescent days surfaced. It was a second chance to change the pattern for better in the same situation.
What situation was that?
Meeting a man with whom you are brazen and unabashed with. A man that is causing attraction in you except there is no fear communicating with him. In fact, you're utterly uncensored, and tell him he's as hot as your favorite actor (the one you'd be more than happy to be a local mistress for) without batting an eye. The dynamic feels just like with my first love but mixed with an adult woman's comfort talking about Tantra along with business topics. How did this happen you wonder.
With my first love I choose the maladaptive strategy when it was clear what was going on. What was happening was that my childhood puppy love enjoyed my attention but all I'd be was the pal watching him romance others as she convinced herself it was fine. It is possible that you can find someone whom you can be totally open with, get along fabulously with, and never ever be able to get with romantically because it’s just not aligned for that to ever happen between the two of you. That was my first love and I. When the reality dawned on me at 17, I opted to become a rather obnoxious streetwise punk rock styled femme. It was my way of acting out frustration. It was also a very brilliant method for preventing anyone else to get close like him again since they would probably hurt me too. Being defiant then became a strange kind of fun. To call me fierce looking was a something I took as a complement. A pattern of resisting connection had formed.
Fast forward. At 26 I have a miscarriage and am relieved because the would-be father would have insisted on getting married. That’s right, I didn’t want him to propose. The miscarriage happened before I confirmed I was pregnant and never mentioned anything to him. Time passes and now I’m 28. The man who has been pursuing me for two years finally won me over. He has a three-year-old son from his now defunct marriage. Suddenly I have the chance for an instant family. Nothing makes me happier than being with him and reading stories to his little boy.