I never had an "ideal boyfriend" list. Maybe because my ideal men aren't real...and some aren't men.
The other night, I was sitting at home with my popcorn, wine and chocolate, as I do, and I got to asking myself some questions. I'm not a "list" girl per se, which is funny since I'm about to write you one, but what I mean is, I've never had an "ideal boyfriend list." You know, where you make a detailed list of everything you want in a partner from height to income level? My friend told me to make one a few years ago, but I could only come up with, "nice, funny, not a troll."
On this particular night of consumption and reflection, however, I came up with a list of men who, if combined, might create the perfect man. They aren't human men, though, and I'm not sure they're all even really male, but they possess traits that rock my world regardless of gender. And if given the chance, I'd totally date them, for a while at least. I'd also have to break up with them eventually because dating made up dudes who only exist on TV would make me a legit psycho.
1. Kermit The Frog
Oh, Kermie. Kermit has always been my first choice. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a musician, and his banjo skills make me swoon (Rainbow Connection? He's a romantic, too). Coincidentally, I was referred to as "Kermit" thanks to my bulgy green eyes in elementary school, so I forever have an affinity for the frog. This article sort of laid to rest my dreams of Kermit being the ultimate dream man, though. I suppose with his nonchalant attitude, he wasn't a good boyfriend to the fabulous Miss Piggy, and she totally put up with a lot of b.s. What Kermit possesses, however, is a good and honest heart, and a genuine desire to make the world a happier, better place. I don't know if I'd want to date him for long, because he tends to be a pushover, but I'd totally have a fling with the frog. As an idealist, a dreamer, and a lover, Kermit the Frog is the John Lennon of Muppets, and that, friends, is dreamy. And in fairness, Miss Piggy is one high maintenance swine, so if he's good enough for her, he's good enough for me.
2. Ned Flanders
Nedward Flanders is Homer Simpson's nerdy, passive, long suffering neighbor-ino and unwitting nemesis. He's the quintessential nice guy with his "Hidey ho!" and his steadfast devotion to God and the good of mankind. Before his wife's untimely death, he was a devoted husband. His Bible-thumping ways could get on your nerves, but Ned's not all Jesus and rainbows. Underneath those suspenders is one bangin' body. Six-pack city! And I dig his Tom Selleck moustache. Despite his God-fearing ways, he's also a hardcore Beatles fan and, like John Lennon himself (second mention in this list!), says that they were "bigger than Jesus," so props for that, Neddy. I feel like I could corrupt Ned just enough to make things work.
3. Superman/Clark Kent
As if Lois Lane doesn't know that they are the same dude. She's a smart woman; she knows, but good on her for playing along. I'd be down for some role-play superhero, bookish nerd romance with Superman and Clark Kent. He's hot in that all-American/Roman God sort of way, he's the strongest man alive, he can fly(!!!), he's a good guy, he's a journalist by day and he saves the world on the regular. He isn't perfect though. Is it weird that I find his extreme allergy to kryptonite sort of hot? This all-powerful man has this debilitating human flaw. And since his home planet was blown to pieces, he's all alone here on earth with no family. I'm a sucker for a sob story. He might have a case of "heavy lies the crown" syndrome, and he should definitely be in therapy for his whole double life/super stressful job, but if you can get past the fact that saving the world probably comes before your life together, Superman is pretty darn dreamy.
4. Donald Duck
He has an endearing little lisp and is physically sort of chubby and, well, a duck, but DD provides something that was so far lacking on this list: comic relief. He brings the laughs, is a positive fella, and although quick to anger, he's generally harmless. He might not be dreamy, per se, but he would definitely go to bat for the woman he loves (romance!). He'd probably say "Hiya toots!" to greet you, which is sort of sexist, but then you can just make fun of his little sailor suit. Imagine if Donald Duck dated Miss Piggy? That would be an explosive relationship: the Liz and Dick of the Disney and Muppet worlds.
5. The Tramp
The Tramp possesses all the qualities that make dogs the best animals in the world: loyalty, patience, enthusiasm, kindness and bravery. In fact, I don't really know why it's an insult to call a man a dog. Dogs are great! Tramp goes out on a limb for his lady—and to save babies from rats. He keeps his friends out of the pound and the mean streets running with a slick dose of dog justice. Also, he kills rats, which is a bonus if you happen to have a rodent hiding in your kitchen. He's doting, reliable, a good father and he shares his pasta. What more could a girl ask for?
Your turn: Who's your ideal man who doesn't actually exist in real life?