It's not a stretch to say that when it comes to sex, an orgasm is usually considered par for the course. Naturally, with the amount of emphasis placed on having a 'noticeable pay off', having to admit that we've never had that experience before can feel a little embarrassing (especially after reading all of those sex education books). But that, right there, is the problem.
Even though everyone sees orgasms as the height of sexual intimacy, you don't actually need to have an orgasm to show that you're having a good time.
No, we're not kidding.
Sex therapist Moushumi Ghose goes so far as to contradict what we usually think by saying that "a large majority of women have not experienced orgasm." Say what?!
There are so many measures that we can take to increase the odds of enjoying sex, and possibly even reaching climax. For starters, we have to realize that just because not everyone has had an orgasm, it doesn't mean that sex can't be pleasurable without it.
Instead of focusing what we think is supposed to feel or how we're supposed to feel, we have to spend more time being comfortable with ourselves. We don't need to take an sex education class to know that if it feels good (and right), we should just sit back and enjoy it!
Hi, I’m Moushumi Ghose with "Ask An Expert", here to answer your love and sex questions. I’ve never had an orgasm. I don’t want to tell my new boyfriend but I also want to fake it. What can I do?
Thank you for your very important question. I think it’s really important too first of all know that a large majority of women have not experienced orgasm. I also think that there is an in ordinate of focus placed on orgasms in our culture to orgasm. And that sex can be enjoyable and pleasurable without orgasming every time.
The first thing to know about orgasm, if this is something that you’re really focused on achieving is that you need to be comfortable and you need to be relaxed. You need to be in an environment where you feel safe and this is absolutely key in allowing for orgasm. The second thing to do is to be comfortable with your own body.
Masturbate! Masturbating has helped lots of women achieve orgasm. Use of vibrator can help women to achieve orgasm sometimes. It’s also important to know that most women do not achieve orgasm through intercourse or via the vagina. Clitoral orgasms are more common and the clitoris is actually not in the vagina but actually below the pelvic bone.
And lastly when it comes to telling your boyfriend, I think it’s ok if you feel safe and comfortable with him to actually talk to him about it. Bring him in on the conversation. This might be something that the two of you explore together.
If you feel safe and comfortable with him, you might be able to relax and he might be able to be a big part in helping you achieve your orgasm. But the most important thing to remember about orgasm is that it’s not required for you to have an enjoyable and pleasurable experience during sex. So focus on what feels good.
Focus on what's working and remember to enjoy the experience.
You may think you're not doing any major damage by simply sitting in a chair all day at work, but spending too much time in a chair can shorten the muscles of the pelvic floor. What this means, in regards to orgasms, is that the tightness of these muscles can stand in the way of climaxing. You should always make it a point to get up and do stretches throughout the day.
It seems pretty unfair that a medicine necessary to keep us on an even keel would play a part in how we orgasm, but it does. Unfortunately anti-depressants can mess up what's going on in the pleasure department of the brain making it extremely hard, if not impossible, for both men and women to climax. Luckily for women, direct clitoral stimulation can help in that area. If not, then you should talk to your doctor about trying another brand of anti-depressants.
When you have a dozen things on your itinerary and not enough time in the day to do them all, the least of your concerns is having an orgasm during sex. In fact, sex itself, can feel like a chore. Taking time to put your stresses on hold, being in the moment, and reaching for a glass of wine can help you unwind and maybe even achieve orgasm.
The reason high heels make us feel sexy is because the arch of the shoe sort of mimics the way the pelvic floor moves and contractions close to orgasm. So weird, right? But yet, it's true. Explains Dr. Eden Fromberg of SoHo OBGYN, "An orgasm is usually like going from zero to 60. If you’re already at 55 [from wearing heels], you're not going to have a full experience." All those flats in your closet are looking pretty good right now, huh?
As much as I would love to say that the key to more orgasms is several martinis, alcohol can actually be the kiss of death when it comes to having an orgasm. However, drinking water and other hydrating fluids helps orgasms, because our bodies need water and work more properly with water in them. Yes, this mean you really should finally kick your DC habit. Some even stand by the fact that a full bladder will make for an easier and more intense orgasm.
I'm not just talking about distractions from stress, but distractions that come with personal insecurities. If you're concerned about the way you look, smell, skills, or even the sometimes-bizarre noises that come with having sex, you're never going to be able to relax enough to have an orgasm. Men are very visual creatures; they want to see you in all your nakedness, and guess what? All vaginas smell! Get over your hang-ups and go with it. In the heat of the moment, your partner isn't going to care about your stretch marks, or even if you fart — you're human, and they are, too.
This has nothing to do with your technique in bed, but everything to do with how well you know your body and how it works. According to sexologist Betty Dodson, Ph.D., "The most important aspect for any woman wanting to become orgasmic is to explore her own body and discover what she likes, what feels good, and how to have orgasms alone before engaging in sex with a partner." No matter how long it takes, experimenting with your body and finding what gets you off is one of the best ways to finally have an orgasm.