A while back I was dating a guy that I was really into. In hindsight, the relationship was ridiculous… but I was transported by what seemed like some of the best between-the-sheets I've ever had, and I besotted myself into some idea that we had a future. So I was devastated when I was dumped, over email. (Yep, even in middle age, some men still do that.)
I went through the usual shock and awe, aided by piles of tissue and a hive of caring girlfriends. Moving through the stages of grieving, I saw him clearly for the incapable slouch that he was. But what kept nagging at me was how much I was going to miss that naked tango.
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Now one of the coolest things about being over 40 is the guilt-free living and an ease in asking for what I want. So an idea started to form: If I can't have the whole enchilada, why not just enjoy the yummiest part? Yes, that's it! Offer him an all access pass, no strings attached! I am a female, after all: I knew that without commitment and compatibility any strong feelings of "like" I had would burn out… but meanwhile I could keep my mojo rising.
So I sent him an email exonerating him from any need to love me, and made my offer. And before you could say, 'John Hamm in Bridesmaids,' he was at my door with a bottle of wine and an undulating playlist.
It started blissfully enough. And we even seemed to grow closer, more comfortable, since there was no longer a question of where this was going. And therein lies the lesson: For we gals, love and lust are intertwined. When the love goes, the lust is not far behind. Pretty soon I was downright bored.
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I know it might sound crazy, but If you want to get over a guy, get over him – literally! Now I realize this won't work for everyone, many women are just not wired that way. And certainly if we're really in love or even serious like, taking a tumble is just too painful and confusing. But if you've realized he's really not Mr. Right (you can be hurting and still know in your heart that he's not the one), man up and consider offering him a couple of months of freebies. He likely won't refuse ('cause they're just not wired that way), you'll get a key need met, and the one-dimensionality of the relationship will likely douse that torch you're carrying.