Dating Disaster: My Date With A (Former) Suicide Girl


Dating Disaster: My Date With A (Former) Suicide Girl
For Ethan Fixell, a blind date went a little sideways when she was not quite what he pictured.

On a whim a few years ago, my friend Dave and I posted a YouTube video in which we invited women to double date us. In the months to follow, we would embark on over 200 double dates together, many of which would provide us with horror stories for our live comedy show. However, none was a bigger disappointment than one I experienced on my own.

As usual, it started with an email:


from: tres bien ****
date: Sun, Apr 6, 2008 at 8:56 AM
subject: two can have a party

"all of my girlfriends are taken.
but ethan, you are adorable."

Finding the email quite sweet (but still scarred by the "naughty 21-year-old college beauty" who turned out to be a 16-year-old high schooler with a learner's permit for an ID), I cautiously wrote back:

"why, thank you. feel free to send a photo, and if we find another single "dave fan" we can have ourselves a party. (Dave and I promised each other we're only doing doubles until we both find love.)"

She sent a photo within hours: a strangely expressionless but attractive close-up, her face illuminated as clear as day.

Quickly changing policy (but still scarred by the "fiesty 22-year-old Latina" who turned out to be a 45-year-old Puerto Rican lady boy), I secured her number and called the next day. Following a long, casual conversation about mutually-adored music, books, and movies, I wrote the following playful email:

"OK, here's what needs to happen: you're going to move to NY, preferably this week. Then, I will completely bail on my plan with Dave and single date you myself. Screw him--honestly, how many friends do I really need? Then, after dating for a few weeks (days?), we can elope.
I propose this all based mostly on the fact that you are incredibly cute.
Does this all work for you?"

Here is where I made my first mistake, and learned an important dating lesson: Never joke too aggressively with a blind date. Little did I know, I was inviting disaster into my home... But I'll get to that. Dating Disaster: A Guy, A Girl, Her Gas

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