Under the thinly veiled premise of scoring a second shot at love and a chance to win $250,000, the sh*tshow known as "Bachelor Pad" is back for Season 2.
In a THREE HOUR (yes, three hour) season premiere, we meet the contestants as they slither out of a stretched limo and into the mansion.
Roll call! Let's meet the meatheads and femme fatales.
First up are bad girl Michelle Money, Blake the dentist, some chick named Holly—who was engaged to another Bachelor cast-off, Michael (yes, he shows up, too), Graham (never heard of him), plus amateur wrestler and pro-douchebag, Justin "Rated R."
Then we meet Erica, a trust fund baby with baby fat who doesn't like Vienna. Then naturally, Vienna shows up, followed by Gia, then Vienna's man, High Pitched Kasey. Jackie, Melissa, Kirk, Ames and William round out the bunch...or so everyone thinks, until Jake walks through the door and the party gets started.
Vienna, who just keeps getting grosser to look at, instantly freaks out and makes it all about her. High-Pitched Kasey is on guard, ready to beat the crap out of Jake, complete with the 30 pounds of pure muscle he packed on for the season. Crushable: 'Bachelor Pad 2' Superlatives, AKA Welcome To STD Central
Jake mingles, Vienna cries and the rest of the cast fight for camera time.
Perpetual reality-show dating host Chris Harrison then comes in and lays out the rules: Guys vote off girls, girls vote off guys.
The next day, it's game time. The cast couples off and gets to the first challenge, where the girls have to hang on to their guy for dear life as they both dangle 10 feet up in the air.
One-by-one, the couples give up until Jake and Jackie win—giving the most hated man on the show immunity. Vienna blames Kasey for losing like a little b**ch and they fight in a hot tub.
The date card arrives and Jake and Jackie hop in a limo, leaving the rest of house to spend the evening strategizing on whom to vote off.
Jake and Jackie get to pick one lucky person to keep safe from elimination. During their cheesy, Hollywood-inspired date, they discuss Jake and Vienna's breakup, and choose to save...wait for it...Vienna. When Jake breaks this news to the shocked cast, he pulls his ex-fiancee and High-Pitched Kasey aside to explain his decision. He thinks giving Vienna a rose brings them both closure, but Vienna thinks its all BS. What a waste of a rose, Jake.
Mercifully, the episode comes to an end after a belabored rose ceremony that sends Ally and Justin "Rated R" home.
For some reason, High-Pitched Kasey and Vienna are the king and queen of the BP. The scheming pair's first order of business: get Jake out of there.
Confused with who's who and what season they came from? Check out The Frisky's Bachelor Pad Hookup Chart.